Je me souviens

Since the beginning of our relationship, music has been key. We are famous for heading off to Boston on a random Tuesday night to see some band no one else has heard of... and then driving back home and teaching the next day. We started taking the kids with us when they were 4 and 6. We were on our way to a family reunion, flying out of NH... so when a triple bill of some favorites were playing 30 min away the night before our trip started, we couldn't refuse. So, when we were trying to figure out what to do for our 15th anniversary, we started with music.

WB found our current favorite family band performing at the summer festival in Quebec City, a city he loves and the rest of us had never seen. Because it was in honor of our anniversary, we splurged on a hotel room. I must say, I do like the summer mode of concerts... being able to walk back to the room and be comfortable and asleep within 15 minutes is much more fun than fighting to stay awake as we drive back home. But I digress...


Arcade Fire ROCKED! They played many of our favorites (WB called 2 of their first 3 numbers) and generally made everyone happy to be alive. One of the band members was born in Canada, butonly because her family escaped Haiti's dictatorship. The band has worked to help with earthquake damage, and launched kanpe that day, a charity dedicated to helping improve life for Haitians. We certainly love us a good band, but it makes it even more endearing when said band has a social agenda and uses their influence to make the world a better place. The Festival is donating .25 per person who attended this show, and Arcade Fire is matching up to 1 million given through a text donation number (sadly, it seems this only works in Canada). It really was the perfect way to honor our lives together as a family.


Tuesday morning we wandered around and checked out the Old City. It's a relaxed sort of place-- there's no rush, few lines... you just wander around and check out what intrigues you. And so we did. The kids found oversized lollipops, I found some postcards, and WB showed us different places of note. My lack of knowledge of the hometown language certainly hindered my ability to read up on the history of things-- many signs are printed in both languages, but not all. I was keenly aware of my language deficit, although all the shop owners and waitstaff were fluent in English. This trip did cement the idea in the kids heads that being bi-lingual is a good thing, be it in French or in Spanish. (The 2 years of Latin that I took most certainly did not help me this week!)

There is a good chance that both kids will return to Quebec City on 8th grade trips and that we will return ourselves. I may, however, need to sit in on a French immersion class first... I don't like feeling like the Ugly American who refuses to try to conform to the native culture.

{this moment}

A Friday ritual from my friend Wendy, who got it from SouleMama. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

{this moment}

A Friday ritual from my friend Wendy, who got it from SouleMama. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

lightbulbs

So many things have started to make sense. I didn't know they hadn't made sense before, but sometimes the light bulb just gets shocked on, and then, suddenly, you know. Nothing has changed, but everything is different.

When I'm in the middle of something, something real and true, I never think about it being temporary. I guess if I thought about it, it would no longer be real, but would become a thing to hold onto somehow, and the magic would end. But looking back is sometimes so painful that it brings tears to my eyes because I miss it so. I've been lucky enough to have a few of these somethings over my relatively short life; usually the path-altering event is a sudden one-- something I, anyway, didn't see coming at the time, but can clearly see now. Something which, once occurred, throws everything under water and you hope to bob back to the surface, breathing, able to find shore somewhere. The scars do heal, with time, and the lessons to be learned emerge from the carnage, but still, some days you think back at how perfect that time was...

I've also missed some things along the way, and for that, I sincerely apologize. Not for not doing anything, because you can't react to something you don't know exists, but for not listening to that quiet voice that said something isn't quite right, and for not trusting it enough to investigate. I hope you know that I'm better at listening to that voice now; I'm sure it helps that I'm regularly getting full nights of sleep. But I know I still miss things; if you need my help and I'm not listening, knock me upside the head.

Sixteen years ago I agreed to bind my life to his, forever. I didn't really understand what that meant-- I understood the words, and the concept, but how can you understand something you've never done? Somehow or another, we've figured out how to navigate this crazy road, construction, right turns and everything else. Three years ago, bestfriend said "I do" for the second time. Which of us was braver? Crazier? Neither and both, I would answer, depending on the day. This summer, one of the next generation is saying I choose you, to be with me, forever. They are kids... like we were... but different, too, and as ready as they can be. I hope my little role in her childhood has helped prepare her, and if she needs help along her journey, I hope she will feel comfortable enough to ask, because we never stop needing the influence of those who have trod along ahead of us.

I started watching Saving Grace again, from the pilot, this summer. Grace has some demons... and some angels, too. I am lucky enough to not need a Last Chance Angel, nor to have met Satan himself. But I have loved my friends and family completely and without bias, and hope that that small part has made their journey easier. Ham tells Grace he will wait for her, and Rhetta trusts her truth without details to prove it. That I can do. I will continue to do. I may not have known at the time, but I know now, and I am here to help.

dip me in the water

Different places have different smells. You know what I'm talking about-- ocean air is heavy with an undertone of Coppertone and fried seafood; public pools have a harsh chemical smell where private ones smell clean; isolated ponds with little direct sun smell cold and untouched. Babbling streams where the unexposed rocks are coated with slippery flora but have been smoothed by the passage of time have a distinct smell as well. It's harder for me to describe, but the closest I can come is understated. Beautiful, yes, but in a quiet, confident way, without needing hundreds of people lining it's shores saying so.

Today, we set out in search of water, and ended up here. Once we'd slid down the little hill to the shoreline, my nose confirmed that we had, indeed, found the place of which we were seeking.

4th of July

4th of July, X

She's waitin' for me when I get home from work
oh, but things ain't just the same
She turns out the light and cries in the dark
won't answer when I call her name

On the stairs I smoke a cigarette alone
Mexican kids are shootin' fireworks below
Hey baby, it's the Fourth of July
Hey baby, it's the Fourth of July

She gives me her cheek when I want her lips
but I don't have the strength to go
On the lost side of town in a dark apartment
we gave up trying so long ago

On the stairs I smoke a cigarette alone
Mexican kids are shootin' fireworks below
Hey baby, it's the Fourth of July
Hey baby, it's the Fourth of July

What ever happened I apologize
so dry your tears and baby
walk outside, it's the Fourth of July

On the stairs I smoke a cigarette alone
Mexican kids are shootin' fireworks below
Hey baby, it's the Fourth of July
Hey baby, it's the Fourth of July
Hey baby, Baby take a walk outside

{this moment}

A Friday ritual from my friend Wendy, who got it from SouleMama. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

the fortnight

In the past week, we've watched hours of World Cup, Wimbledon, USA Track and Field Championships, and the Tour de France starts soon.

This is my kind of daytime TV!

it is so very good to be back in my kitchen

Our task for bestfriend supper at their house. Baking? Yes, I think I will, thank you.

DC

Last summer, as many of you know, my brother in law mentioned they were considering a trip to DC after they visited his family in Tarheel country. "If you're on the East Coast, we'll come see you" I casually replied.

And so they were, and so we did. Big Little Sis is spending her summer driving from coast to coast, seeing all her peeps before she heads to China (yes, the country) to teach, and she joined us. And there we were: 3 sisters, 2 husbands, and 5 cousins ranging in age from 1.5 -12.5 years old.

It was a great trip. Since WB's friend from forever ago lives in the greater DC area and has been inviting us to visit for years, we spent our first 2 days in the city with them. We took in a Nationals game, as we're on a lifetime quest to attend games in all the major league ballparks. Our seats were on the first base side, which meant there was no shade. 4:05 start means it's still 90-something degrees out with some insane amount of humidity. And did I mention no shade? The game wasn't really captivating, and you know conditions are less than idyllic when WB is ready to go in the 7th inning. But we've been there, and it was an event Long Time Friends had not attended, so it's good we went.

Because my sister's family is younger than ours, we decided to do the Holocaust Museum without them. It was incredibly well done, and filled with overwhelming images. Both of our kids read Number the Stars by Lois Lowry, and there is a fishing boat from Denmark on display, along with a white wall with names of people who helped those targeted by the Nazis. It was a heavy morning for sure, but well worth it. The museum's motto-- the next time you witness hatred... the next time you see injustice... the next time you hear about genocide... THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAW-- is exactly the message we need to get out, and while I know I can teach that without taking the kids to see such things, the images help.


The rest of the trip was lighter. Over 4 days, we got to a bunch of Smithsonians: Natural History, American History, Air and Space, Native American (eat here, seriously. The food was AMAZING.) and the National Museum of Art. We did a double decker bus tour of the city, taking us from Union Station past the Capitol, around the National Mall, by the White House, out to the National Cathedral, and through Embassy Row into Arlington National Cemetery. We walked the Mall, visiting WW2 Monument, Lincoln Memorial, and the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial. I took a bazillion pictures of Capitol Hill and the Washington Monument. On our way out of town, I was determined to find the Japanese American Monument. I'd seen signs for it, and we drove by it on the bus tour, but it's exact location eluded me. Luckily Big Little Sis had her iPhone, and got the address for me, and as we checked out of the hotel I realized it was on the opposite corner from us, and that I'd walked by it 3 times without realizing it. I taught both the Holocaust and Farewell to Manzanar (memoir of a child who lived in an internment camp) this year, so getting to both these places was significant to me. The message, again, is we cannot let fear and hatred rule. I am certainly doing all I can to get that message out.

We ended up staying at 2 different hotels, partly because we used Priceline and couldn't get one bid for all 3 nights, and partly so we could be near the Capitol so we could hear the Air Force band play from the Capitol steps. The weather had other plans however, and the concert was canceled as the thunder rolled in. We did, however, get to spend the afternoon playing in the rooftop pool, so the move wasn't a total loss.

I am so thankful we took this trip, and that our families get along well enough that we want to spend time together. They have lived on the Left coast since they started having children, and we have only lived here; finding time for the kids to get to know each other is not always easy, but it is something we're all committed to making happen. My goal for this trip was to see my nephews and my family, but I also got to see more of DC than I'd expected. And I got to watch the Two Cathedral's episode of The West Wing in the city. Yea, it was a great trip.


Bonus! I loved doing trip updates so much last summer, but I didn't bring my laptop this time (4 beds in 5 days, needing to walk from one to the other, so I packed very light. If you can tell me what happened in the Two Cathedrals episode and why it was even more significant given our sightseeing, you'll win a picture of your choice. Check out FB for your options.

{this moment}

An idea from my friend Wendy, who got it from SouleMama. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

{this moment}

An idea from my friend Wendy, who got it from SouleMama. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. This is from a few weeks ago, but it still works for me.

the end of school means the beginning of summer

Closing Time, Semisonic

Closing time, open all the doors and let you out into the world.
Closing time, turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl.
Closing time, one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time, time for you to go out to the places you will be from.
Closing time, this room won't be open 'til your brothers or you sisters
come.
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits - I hope you have found
a friend.
Closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time, time for you to go out to the places you will be from...

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

Calling All Angels

I woke up singing this song this morning, wondering what my subconscious was telling me. I did not have to wonder long. When I got to school I learned that a former graduate of our school passed away last night as the result of a car accident. She was a tangential Sunshine-- I never had her in class, but she was friends with many, many of mine. To say we are in shock is an understatement.

Earlier this spring WB and I were discussing contract negotiations (he's on the team). They had come to agreement about the length of bereavement leave stipulated in the contract: we acknowledged that in many ways you just have to pick a number, because how can you put a timeline on grief? I have been amazingly lucky to have been spared close impact on many tragedies, although they are getting closer. I pray that I continue to be lucky and be spared immediate tragedy; I also pray that my Sunshines remember that I am always on their shoulder and want them to make smart choices. I do not know what caused the accident, but I do know how teens view driving. I need them to remember that while they feel invincible, they are not all so. Don't speed. Don't drink and drive. Don't ride with someone who has been drinking. Don't drink, for that matter. Don't text and drive. Please, please, please don't die.

calling all angels, calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
callin' all angels, callin' all angels
we're tryin', we're hopin', we're hurtin', we're lovin', we're cryin', we're callin'
'cause we're not sure how this goes

I hope she is at peace, and that she did not die in vain.

it's 9:00 PM

and it's still light out. I am not one who suffers from SAD, but I am one who loves lazy summer meals by the fire with friends. Who loves sleeping in and having no worries about what day it is. And this light means those things are not that far away.

{another moment}

I'm making a ridiculous face, but it's not about me. This week was crazy, and I'm just thankful to have gotten everyone in pictures, even if not all together. Sometimes you take what you can get and you are forever grateful.

{this moment}

An idea from my friend Wendy, who got it from SouleMama. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment to pause, savor and remember.

no no drama

I don't know why, but Senior Drama is even more dramatic this year than usual. And it's not just my Sunshines, it's all of them.

I am so looking forward to Friday at 6 PM. And then again, I'm not, because I'm going to miss these Sunshines...

{this moment}

An idea from my friend Wendy, who got it from SouleMama. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment to pause, savor and remember.

"You don't want to pick a song everyone else is using..."

I still feel this way, 15 years later. (Well, if you translate for gender...)

Somebody, Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
And in a place like this
I'll get away with it

Georgia on my mind

If I'd wanted to live in an area with 90 degree temps and 70% humidity I'd have moved to Georgia.

(I also didn't want to live in an area where school districts were mega-districts organized by county, but I guess I lost that battle, too.)

I guess I'll just have to think about fresh peaches and Vidalia onions...

super defined?

Today I went to work, wrote a job recommendation, listened and advised on a medical situation, stopped in at practice to give thoughts and inspiration as I was leaving the team for my kid, got to the ms track meet in time to see all 4 of Boy's events, and got to the talent show in time to see Girly dance. When we got home, I did dishes while making dinner and started a load of laundry. We ate at 8:30. In my understanding, this is the definition of a "super woman"; the question that keeps bugging me is why don't I feel so super?

half full, half crazy.

There's lots going on, and it's been easier to stay silent than to take the time to think about it... but not thinking about it is starting to feel like ignoring it, and I do not like that feeling.

Where to start? Vizzini told me to go back to the beginning... no, that's someone else. But I've been told the beginning is a very good place to start, so...

Sunshines are inching their way towards those caps and gowns. Right now, 20% of the seniors will be back for a 9th semester. I'm confident that, baring a major catastrophe (which we all know could happen at any time, without notice) 70% will graduate with their class, and 10% need to man up to get through the last 15 days of senior classes. Every year, we get an extra Sunshine Wannabe or two join in for the constant prodding; this year's participant is asking to get full Sunshine status... which is a bit late in the game, but we'll do what we can to help meet the June 11 deadline. Along with senior crazies, we still have issues with people hitting their proverbial walls and needing a lot of support to make it through. To say things are a bit hectic is the understatement of the month. The good news, though, is that I still can't imagine doing any other job. Let's hope I get the opportunity to relive this for 20 more years... I know, 20 years until retirement? That is an insane number in and of itself.

The real distractor, though, is personal. In short, WB's parents aren't getting any younger, and our involvement in their day to day lives is going to need to increase. I had it described to me as 'the Sandwhich Years'-- your kids still need your attention, but your parents need it too. It's not a fun time by any stretch, but I'm trying to maintain a very zen approach to it. It is what it is, and you don't get to choose everything that happens in your life. You do, however, get to choose how you react. I choose to view my role as a helpful one, to my husband and his family. While I don't see myself as a martyr, I do see this as a learning opportunity for all of us: people need different kinds of help at different times in their lives. Some kids need help graduating, and some elderly need help negotiating the medical world. If you're lucky (which I really have been) you get a chance to use your strengths to help Pay it Forward, all while maintaining a healthy sense of humor yourself. So far, so good...

As I was saying....

Privilege clouds judgement.

May 10th, 2010 Jessica Hagy Posted in inequality |

there but for the grace of God...

I just finished The Glass Castle, by Jeannette Walls; it's her memoir of growing up poorer than poor and having survived. Resilience is a fascinating thing: how do some siblings survive, but not all? Why do some kids "make it" while others repeat history? Most importantly, what can I do to teach resiliency?

If I can answer that last question, not only would I be able to take my show on the road, but I'd also be able to help a kid or two along the way. More than conjugating verbs or solving quadratic equations, the ability to soldier on in the face of defeat is what makes someone successful. That is what I want to teach kids; to believe in themselves and to find a way to get where they're going, no matter the odds.

So as I sit here in my house with running water and heat and electricity, surrounded by creature comforts and filled with good food and unconditional love, know that I do appreciate it all. My life is incredible, and all I did to get it was to be born to people who also had it. Luckily, I'll never know if I could have survived a childhood of abject poverty or one of disheartening neglect. I do know I'll do the best I can with what I've been given, because to waste the gift would be just plain wrong.

we're all frustrated

I've said it before and I'll say it again: giving the SAT to all juniors causes more problems that it solves. Thanks, DOE, for undoing a lot of the work I've done this year. I love being party to making my students feel stupid.

straight from the Sunshine's mouth

I realize I've gone a bit quiet around here, and that is because we still have issues that really cannot be discussed publicly, and I'm really not very good at keeping things to myself, so it's better to say nothing at all. Given that disclaimer, however, things coming out of April break were better than in February. Which is a very good thing, indeed.

This week one Sunshine paid us a very high compliment. We were discussing the varied bits of drama impacting everyone and I said something about their experiences breaking my heart because they're just too young to have to deal with these problems. He looked at me and said "Yea, but you make it better." It took a minute for that to sink in, so he said it again: "We come to school because being here makes it better. We wouldn't come if it didn't." And since I know he has had issues with truancy (many of them have), I know he's not kidding. They've learned how to avoid the things that make their lives harder and to stick with things that make them feel better (even if these things do not really make them better). That they come to school-- want to come to school-- is huge. That they will call and say they've missed the bus and need a ride if we can find them one... sometimes I miss the message they are really sending. They want to be at school. We have created a space where they feel valued, and it has value to them. I will own all the criticism about the level of academic output, but I will not let anyone say that our program is a joke or a waste of time. I have the data to prove it.

that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger

As you all (probably) know, WB was gone on a trip to a foreign country. He went as a chaperone with a school group doing service work. He loves to travel, and I very much don't, which is why he went and I stayed home with our kids (who were not allowed to participate due to age).

We've been apart before, for various courses and opportunities. What we didn't expect was the inability to talk daily. I think it was a full 7 days from when he left home to when we first talked online. I am a very social creature, so I had a very hard time not telling him about all the things that happened in my day. Most of the stuff was trivial-- so-and-so called, your magazine came in the mail-- but I missed telling him those things.

A friend of ours husband is serving overseas, and she has been on her own since the start of the school year. I thought of her, and him, and their kids, constantly throughout our little separation. What right did I have to complain about 8 days, when he wasn't ever really in danger? It could always be worse (which I'm sure our friends are also thinking) and you take what life throws your way and learn from it. Did I miss him? You bet. Was it the end of the world that we had a mini-vacation from each other? Not even close. Had we realized we didn't miss each other at all, well, that would have been tragic.

big time?

http://www.aeaofme.org/annual-conference

Does this mean I know what I'm doing?

To All Maine Points

It could be my most favorite sight in all the land.

Too bad I was zipping by at 70-something and couldn't snap a shot.

coping skills

When Boy was a baby, WB and I rarely needed a sitter (sitters require money...). When we would call on someone to come hang with him, we'd fill them in with all the deets, including bedtime. We quickly learned, however, that what they really needed to know was that Boy would just go to sleep when we left. Not immediately, but he'd play a bit, and have some dinner, and right after eating, he was done. For the night. The first few times the sitters were worried they'd done something wrong, but the best we could figure was he missed us, and knew if he went to sleep he would feel better. (I know, amazing coping skills for an 8 month old!)

As you all know, I've been dealing with a lot of Sunshine related drama, and one of the main themes is the distinct lack of coping skills. Either they don't know how to cope with the given situation, or don't have the energy to, or don't really care to, but the lack of coping causes as many problems as the issue at hand. But we debrief a lot about what they could have done, what they could do next time, and most importantly, how to avoid the situation in the future. I'm under no delusions that I wave my magic wand and *poof* everything is fixed, but it certainly won't get any worse by me trying.

I was chatting with my Little Big Sis this week, and I realized that I am running a national campaign that I didn't even know existed! Last year one of my girls came up with "Buckaroo on your shoulder". It even comes with hand movements: hold your thumb and forefinger about 2 inches apart, and then put it up on your shoulder. That's where I sit, all day, every day, ready to give you advice when you need it (kinda like WWJD? but without insinuating that I'm God-like). Should I get in the vehicle with this person I know has been drinking? Buckaroo on your shoulder thinks probably not. You might still choose to get in the truck, but you at least thought about it, for a minute, and owned the decision. Nationally, I guess it's called the Pause Campaign. Who knew?

Coping skills are huge. Without them, you feel out of control, often look out of control, and can end up looking less competent than you really are (I'll never forget the PET I left in hysterical tears when I got some bad infertility news. It was soon after that I resigned my teaching postion to focus on becoming a parent.) But when you've got the right skill for the right situation, you come out looking like a genius.

WB left for the Dominican Republic last night, and will be gone for a week or so. While I was making dinner tonight, I suddenly realized Boy was asleep on the couch. That kid knows how to cope.

I like these kinda Mondays.

Compared to recent days, today was pretty normal. CrazyBusy, as I think will be the theme until the Seniors are gone, but no major drama to process through.

Can I get a what what?

I hope to return to my regularly scheduled thoughtful blogging soon.

following Dory's advice

So many things happening, and I'm truly at a loss for how to proceed. But proceed I will, probably making mistakes along the way. Because giving up doesn't solve the problems. And the problems I'm talking about aren't just how to make your budget balance, so not finding solutions is not an option.

Just keep swimming indeed.

climate change

Anyone who does not realize that global climate change is real is hiding their head the the ever warming sand. I can't ever remember hanging clothes on my line before April vacation-- and even then I have to be very aware of the remaining snowbanks. This little patch of snow is the only patch I can find on our property: I'm sure there is some hidden in the woods, but I haven't gone looking. We should have grilled Easter dinner today instead of roasting-- but mentally I was not prepared for the weather. Regardless, it's been a nice stretch of weather, and even when the temps return to normal next week we've still crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. Summer is coming...

happy birthday to me

Today the tens place changes a digit. I'll be honest, it did mess with my head a bit. Girly asked me if I felt any different, and it was hard to answer her. I do feel different... but how to explain that to a 10 year old? For the first time, I feel thankful to have made it to this birthday, because many others don't. I feel confident in who I am and what I believe in. I feel... grounded. I feel at peace.

Forty feels pretty good.

truth speaking louder than words

Boys do cry.

March 29th, 2010 Jessica Hagy Posted in perception |

what the heck?

I've got to figure out what's bugging me. Earlier this week I had a nightmare that I was fighting with one of my friends (I think over another friend, but I can't confirm that). Those are my version of 'back to school' dreams; most of my friends have the teaching naked or forgetting to take a test variety, I have the fighting with my besties kind. And tonight when I headed to the doc for a quick check up, my BP was 150-something over 90-something. I know! It could be the large coffee... but it's more likely something bugging me that I haven't yet identified (see yesterday). I gotta figure it out soon, 'cause girlfriend doesn't like those numbers. At all.

(Friends who are nurses: don't be surprised if I bug you to do random BP tests on me!)

and the world keeps turning...

There's a lot happening on many fronts and I haven't been able to slow down the whirlwind enough to put it into words. Personally things are good, albeit a bit busy. Vocationally things are also good, but there are a lot of needs to be met that can't easily be met. Socially I am blessed with a lot of good friends and people to step up and help out.

When the world stops spinning long enough to catch my breath I'll update you.

"and the worst part of my day is someone couldn't conjugate a verb!"

Which is why it's good for me to have regular ed buddies with whom to share my stories, and reged buddies to come hang with us.

Today found a bunch of Sunshines with somebody having put something in their collective cheerios, and by the end of the day they were just going for shock value. Luckily, I can't be shocked easily. (Which is shocking, considering my unbelievably innocent childhood.) We got through it, and tomorrow we'll need some sort of a change, although just what that is remains to be discovered. But cries for attention happen for a reason, and so attention shall be given... as soon as I figure out just what it is they're trying to get me to notice about them.

Still, amidst the mayhem, I cannot imagine having any other job but this. While a vacation in an purely academic classroom might be welcome every so often, I do love the challenges our world brings.

Are teachers born or made? Discuss.

Today is my second blogiversary. Not only am I excited to still be writing regularly, but I'm also thrilled to still have some readers out here. So thanks for caring enough to have me on your Reader.

I was sent this link today, and since most of you are teachers (either paid or otherwise) I thought I'd share. It's a 9 pager, so you grad students may feel like it's a homework assignment; it's not, but I am interested in what you all think. Feel free to discuss.

Building a Better Teacher

(For the record, that's the first time I've ever changed the title to a link. Why not on my blogiversary?)

thoughts

There's a lot going on at school these days, and I'm happy to report it does NOT just involve the Sunshines. Yes, our world is still pretty chaotic-- I'd say we have a half a dozen major personal catastrophes going on-- but the main drama at the big school is not anything that had anything to do with any of us. So there.

I did have a thought last night, though, to try to run an after school study session kind of thing next year. The vision is I'd be here to either run a book club, or to let the graduates have access to computers and resume skills and anything else they need. Come read my newspapers and look for jobs. Come talk to me about a book you've read, or that we read together. Or just come talk to me.

I know I'll be alone most afternoons. But if one kid comes back to one session and I can actually be a resource for life long learning? Yea, that would be something.

amazing engineers

Today was one of those crazy days that we really kind of enjoy. We started with archery, where Boy actually had a pretty productive class. From there we flew up to Orono to the Engineers Fair. Both kids were pretty excited to check it out again (last year we saw it at USM; it's like State Championship games, it seems, alternating college field houses each year). The fair is basically advertising and recruiting for engineering programs-- look at the robots doing their jobs! play with the static electricity machines! clean up the dirty water! design your own bridge!-- but it's a lot of fun, even for the non-engineering wannabees among us. After that, we took a tour around campus. I mean, you don't go to an engineering fair 100 miles from home and not at least drive around the campus. WB pointed out the main sights-- he'd taken a tour with his students a few years back, so even though GEAR UP! is no longer in the building, our kids will still reap the benefits.

We stopped for dinner at 99s, and I'm sad to say that we will not always be back for more. First of all, they're a Pepsi joint (no wonder I rarely eat there), and it was really wasn't a margarita kind of day. I felt bad for our pour waiter-- he seemed like he's lost his corporate job somewhere and was doing something to make ends meet, but he wasn't actually very good at this gig. The kicker, though, was the off-duty waitress at the table next to us, chillin with her peeps. It was just so... high school. The manager came over and spoke to them twice, and they finally gathered their things and stopped embarassing the establishment. The food was fine, but it was the kind of experience that makes you realize never is enough. The $.99 Coke from Dysarts was just what I needed for the drive back home.

When we got home, Girly created her own soap on a rope out of the free bar she got from the birthday sleepover and a piece of holiday ribbon. Maybe these fairs are impacting her more than we realize?

and just like that

I was feeling pretty good heading into Feb vacation with only 2 storm days. It's not yet March and we're up to 4. Just like that. If June is as rainy as it's been in past years, then I guess having school until the 16th won't be horrible, but I'm more worried about meeting up with my sister (maybe sisters?) in DC by the 22nd. I know it's all out of my control and there's nothing I can do to fix it, but I sure hope it all works out.

I'm gonna go have a cup of coffee and watch The Cash Cab. Because what else do you do on the second storm day in a row?

... and Tuesday's just as bad

It's been a rough week, and it's only Tuesday. Sometimes I forget that the lives my Sunshines lead are different than mine. That vacation is not always fun and happy and filled with good memories. There's a lot of debriefing that happens in the few days after vacation, and much of it leaves my heart broken into pieces. But we plod along, and work really hard to find relevant topics to both their academic needs and their personal lives. And feed them and get them access to social services and care about them. You can never have too many caring adults in your corner. Even when you're almost 40 and have had a emotionally rough week...and it's only Tuesday.

gag me with a toothbrush

I hate brushing my teeth. Hate it. Makes me gag on a regular basis-- I've even thrown up as a result, which is a pain since I have to just brush again. Changing toothpaste is a recipe for disaster, and nothing is worse than getting to the store and finding my tried-and-true brand is new-and-improved! Different water is bad too; chlorine is also a smell that makes me gag, so put the two together and it is not pretty.

I love to visit friends, but it is a bit of a challenge for me to keep up good dental hygiene. As I was packing to head to Belfast, I was putting way too much energy into a situation that should have been as simple as remembering to bring a tooth brush. I could just make all my visits day trips, but that's not fun. The easiest solution would be to just not brush my teeth, but I think we can all agree that it's not a good idea. And that's when it hit me: the easiest solution is not necessarily your favorite solution, but if the other options don't seem viable, it becomes the only solution. If you've grown up in a household where everyone smokes, and then you start smoking... and then one day you decide you really should quit, but it's all around you so quitting will be really, really hard... it is just so much easier to keep smoking. Or not exercising, or swearing, or fighting or... any of the many things that keep my Sunshines from moving forward.

My job is to help them figure out their plan, so that instead of not brushing they bring their own water in addition to their own toothpaste. Sounds simple, huh? But really, that is my job-- to help my kids figure out what is holding them back and how to move around it in an acceptable way. After I brush my teeth, of course...

any day above ground is a great day

And today definitely was great.

We've been talking about going ice fishing every winter since I was hired. For a whole bunch of reasons, it never came together. This time, it did. We teamed up with our middle school counterparts and went to my former colleague's ice shack for the day. Our two programs started teaming up for field trips when he took over at the middle school; sadly, he's battling cancer at the moment so is unable to teach... but he can still catch a mean fish. He's come back to visit us a few times this school year, so it was really nice to meet up with him on his turf.

We had a wonderful day! Bright sun, warm(ish) temps... although the wind was a bit brisque, the conditions were pleasant. 13 students from both programs took us up on the offer, and they weren't disappointed. We brought along some ice skates, and they skated and laughed and fished and laughed... all the while enjoying the great outdoors with some great friends.

Days like these are where the magic really happens: they let down their collective guard and just enjoy being kids. For those of us watching them struggle with the transition from childhood to adulthood, being able to provide them with positive experiences -- and positive memories-- means expanding their horizons just a bit... and that little expansion has the potential to change their future. For me personally, watching kids thrive in their natural element is so rewarding. I'm under no delusions that any of my Sunshines love being in any class, even if it is mine, so to see them content makes those frustrating classroom days a lot easier to take. And the major life lessons learned on days like this-- that there are positive things to do with your time that don't harm your bodies or minds; that excercise and being outdoors is good for the soul; that lauging with friends is a great way to spend a day; and that going out of your way to meet up with someone who needs a visit is never a wasted trip-- well, what better thing can schools teach?

My friend says repeatedly that "I may not be here for a long time, but I'm definitely here for a good time". He's on a break from treatments, and is enjoying every minute before he starts up again in May. I have no doubt that we will all remember today as one of those good times.

recipe exchange

Fellow RVBer SJ posted her homemade recipe tonight, which has inspired me to write the post I meant to write Friday night but didn't. The kids were off with their buds for a Geek Party, so it was a stay home date night for us. I found some bay scallops (from when they were on sale) and some left over lobster butter (from this summer) in the freezer. I melted the butter-- probably 4ish tbls-- and put it in the bottom of a small casserole dish, along with a chopped and cooked piece of bacon. An even layer of scallops on the top-- I'm going to guess 1/2 to 3/4 of a pound. Garlic salt, pepper, panko bread crumbs (1/4 cup or so) and fresh parmesan cheese (2 tbls) topped it. Into the oven for 30 or so minutes at 325... delightful.

Along with the baked scallops, we had brussell sprouts with bacon, which is another recipe I created based on a Cooking Light idea, and it's different every time depending on what we have at home for stock. Fry up a piece of bacon, and then add halved sprouts. Cook them for about 5 minutes in the bacon fat, and then add chicken (or whatever you have) stock-- probably a cup or so-- and let the stock boil down, coating the sprouts in a tasty coating.

It was definitely a grown up meal, made even more satisfying by being able to put it all together sans recipes. Feel free to add these to your rotation...

how do you spell relief?

G-R-E-E-N Z-O-N-E

Ok, so again dating myself by referencing said commercial, but unless one has been the parent of a super sick child, it's hard to understand the palpable sense of relief you feel when said child is getting better. Today, when Girly got home from school and told me "I blew 250!" I almost fell over.

Let me explain:
She is now old enough to use a peak flow meter to monitor the efficiency of her lungs. Anything in the red zone (120 or below), we call the doctor; yellow zone (120-180) we use nebulizers and emergency inhalers at home, and in the green zone (180 and above) she is considered fine (although I sometimes wonder if she always walks around with less oxygen than the rest of us, and so doesn't realize she's always struggling.) She has spent the week at 120-140, and we've been nebbing ever 4 hours and in a semi-freaked out state. Yellow zone tends to mean no school because she really can't move much at all and still get enough oxygen to cope, and that was certainly true this week. So today, when she reached the green zone-- even after having had a neb-- it was cause for celebration. I made her repeat it an hour later, just to be sure it wasn't a fluke. No fluke. I'll need to see her in the green for over 24 hours before I completely relax, but relieved? Yes, I'd say so.

Add to this celebration good news from a friend, grades being done, LT meeting a thing of the past, tomorrow being Friday and vacation a week away... yes, I am quite relieved.

***UPDATE***
She is in the kitchen, dancing around with her brother. That tells more than any peak flow could...

(Dennis, my heart goes out to you... I pray it'll get better as she gets older...)

time passages

So I'll be the first to admit that January stretched on towards infinity, but how did it get to be February already? My new teacher buddy joined me today, and I can tell we're only going to get better and better as the new semester gets underway. Very exciting stuff.

Now, if we could just get Girly's lungs to work properly and get that milestone 100th day of school behind us, (2/25 if I'm counting right-- you elementary folks out there, please correct my math if I'm wrong!) it'll be track season before you know it, and then, BAM!, the silenced alarm clock for weeks on end...

one is the lonliest number

The Sunshines and I had a heart to heart yesterday. We read (meaning I read and they listened, but whatever) an essay from TIME magazine talking about what a lonely job the American Presidency is. How no one else can really relate to the decisions you have to make, and how every relationship changes based on you now being "the leader of the free world". I then compared the loneliness I sometimes feel in my job to that of the President. (Yes, I know, it was a bit conceited, but it was the springboard I needed for this conversation. Work with me here.) Being the only teacher in my program (for now anyway...) means there is no one to bounce ideas off of who can offer tried and true advice. Sure, I talk to other teachers in my building, but my kids wouldn't be mine if regular classroom management techniques worked for them. It's also lonely to keep working to engage them in their education while they resist me constantly. (It's one of the reasons I read to them-- it's not that they can't read, but if I read it to them as we discuss it, they can't hide from the discussion.) I know they don't like school, but it's my job to help them learn what they need to earn their diplomas... and some days that is a very lonely battle. And finally, and probably the most isolating part of my gig, is knowing that as hard as I work to help them make good choices in those 6 hours I have them, they're not always going to listen to me. They're going to make choices that get them in trouble-- with the law, with their friends and family, with their bodies. Most of them don't have easy lives-- one thing or another gets in the way of them being allowed to just 'be a kid'. And while lonley isn't the best vocab word for that feeling, it made sense in the conversation.

I know all they can do is try to make better choices, and I do believe they do just that... but trying and succeeding are two separate issues. Changing habits is hard work, and all I can do is support them in their attempts to make changes. And remind them that I still like them, even when I don't like their choices; if I didn't, it wouldn't bother me so much. It was a heavy way to end the week, but I think we all felt a little lighter for having had the conversation.

too drained for more than a list

So I'll counter the last optimist post with today's exhausted, overwhelmed state.

Random thoughts running through my head that I don't have the energy to put into complete, cohesive sentences:

*How hard is it to shut a light off when you leave the room? Seriously, I need to know, because I shut lights off in adult only spaces all the bleeping time.
*How can a short week feel so darned long?
*And how did I forget today was payday?
*While I know that I cannot undo in 6 what happens in 18, there are days that reality slaps you around and leaves you dazed. When I start to question the effectiveness of my days, you know it's a rough one.
*Tomorrow starts a family to family BBBS gig. Boy is excited about doing for someone younger what his BB did for him when he needed it. It's a good thing, on many levels.

we're gonna make it

Seed catalogs have been filling our mailbox all week. Today was a balmy 45 degrees, allowing me my first walk in about 6 weeks. (For the record, I felt great! Yea me!) And tonight, during dinner, I heard the tell-tale music of the Masters commercials.

We are officially on the downward slide of surviving winter.

sports done right

I was able to see my second cross country ski meet of the season today. There is something wonderful about all these kids from different schools cheering for each other. For the fans being fans of all the competitors, not just the ones wearing the right shirts. For coaches coaching, whether they know the kid's name or not. It may be cold for those of us on the sidelines, but I think all our hearts grow 3 sizes each day.

in which it makes me think of me :)

Nine more minutes.

January 6th, 2010 Jessica Hagy Posted in moderation |

in which it makes me think of WB

Squeal!

January 5th, 2010 Jessica Hagy Posted in consumption |

rockin' the new year

One of the many things I love about our family is how hip the kids are. Granted, we claim a lot of credit for that-- if we'd listened to Barney in the car instead of Guster, we'd be playing catch up now. But we didn't even play Sesame Street tapes. (Yes, tapes. We're talking about car radios 10+ years ago, people.) And we all know how I love me some Sesame (although this nonsense I'm hearing about Cookie Monster becoming Veggie Monster or something equally insane makes me want to drive to NYC and tell Bob and Linda they've lost their minds). *

*This is turning into one of those posts where I feel like Joe Posnanski with his Pozterisks and I obsess about the proper placement of punctuation around all the paranthetical expressions. Sorry.

But yes, hip, rockin' kids. Love it. And as I think back over the last 10 years (which I can't call a decade because my darling WB would berate me again about the decade not being over, and not having started in 2000. But since Girly just turned 10, and I'm changing 2 digits when I write the date, I'm chosing to be retrospective now, before the decade technically ends. So there.) there has been a song, or an album (yes, I know, I'm old), or a group that represents our lives that year; these songs and albums aren't necessarily the year they're released, but the year they infiltrated and took over our lives. If you're still reading this lumbering post, enjoy this trip down my memory lane...

2000: Bang on the Drum All Day, Todd Rundgren. We had 2 dog/cat food containers in the kitchen. They were the perfect height for toddlers. And we had a lot of toddlers around. A LOT. Boy's version of Take Me Out to the Ball Game, too. He rewrote the lyrics, which is the only way I sing it now. ("I don't care if we ever get back" became "And we're NOT going home!) Priceless.
2001: Cowboy Mouth. We were never so proud as the day Boy yelled "Ya go, ya go, ya go!" from the kitchen table. (Let it go, for those of you not speaking toddler.)
2002: Lost and Gone Forever, Guster. I think it's safe to say these boys from Tufts got us through this year.
2003: The Wind, Warren Zevon. Our dear friend passed away from cancer in June, and Warren left the world in September, after The Wind's release in August. I cannot hear Keep Me In Your Heart without thinking of Devon.
2004: Rockin the Suburbs, Ben Folds. We'd learned that Guster, Rufus Wainwright, and Ben Folds were playing in NH the night before we were scheduled to head to CA for a family reunion. Sure, the kids were 4 and 6, but they were ready for their first rock show. And they were. We had a blast, and played this album as we drove around SoCal. It also brought us our first 'song of the summer' as a family: Zak and Sara. We belted it out as if our lives depended on it. [Guster's remake of (Nothing But) Flowers by The Talking Heads also makes the highlight reel.]
2005: Hot Fuss, The Killers. All These Things That I've Done, which we first heard on the radio on the Cape and knew we needed to own the album, was this summer's Zak and Sara. And, for the record, Girly can belt it out. [Wonderlick's The Right Crazy gets an honorable mention for our 10th wedding anniversary.]
2006: Barenaked Ladies Are Me, Barenaked Ladies. BNL has been with us since the kids were born, and this year brought us all to see them. Maybe You're Right was this year's family anthem. And the a cappella audience as string section was totally cool, and very Ben Folds. It all comes full circle...
2007: Something Beautiful, Great Big Sea. WB discovered these guys, and they were playing a live, free show at LL Bean. I will never forget the joy on Beaner's face during that show: it is good to be young and daring...
2008: Hey Ma, James. WB and I have loved them for years, and he got a UK release in April, so we knew all the words when we saw them in Boston the day it was released Stateside. The title track became an instant family fave-- they're political kids, too. Boys and Girls in America, The Hold Steady comes in a close second. WB turned me onto them, and I fell in love. Their songs have absolutely no relevancy to my life, but there's something about them that resonates.
2009: Wake Up!, Arcade Fire. This year was tough: Adult Nights by Wild Light was my top choice until we saw a rather lame performance at LL Bean. They're from NH, and I love their recorded versions. I hope they improve with experience-- they're all just babies now. Boy and WB performed Wake Up! at the school talent show, and I can't hear it without seeing my men. It's the perfect musical ending to the last 10 years. Here's to many more!

then and now

I have a bunch of posts floating around in my head, most of them related to reviewing the last decade. I've been thinking a lot about how different life was 10 years ago.. and how it's really all the same.

10 years ago we had a tiny newborn Girly and an almost 2 year old Boy. I spent my days with them and a 4 month old Nutty and 3 year old Beaner. The house was trashed, always, and some days I was lucky if I got dressed before Bestfriends arrived to retrieve their kids. I have never been more exhausted in my life. It was also the happiest I've ever been. I would relive those days in a heartbeat.

Now, the kids are 10, 10, almost 12, and 13(!) I don't see my other two as much as I'd like because we're all involved in all sorts of activities, but they are still my kids. When I see all 4 of them together, well, I am as happy as I was 10 years ago.

10 years ago I was 29, a stay at home mom, who never thought she'd go back to teaching. Now, I'm as unexcited about turning 40 as I was then about 30, and I can't imagine doing anything with my days except teaching my Sunshines.

10 years ago we lived in the village, in a place we knew we didn't want to be in forever. Now, we live on a dead end road 3 miles away from said village, and I hope to never move again.

10 years ago we didn't have cell phones, and had just gotten dial up internet. 10 years ago the Twin Towers still stood, and the Red Sox had not won a championship in living memory.

10 years ago my Fabulous Uncle lived in Palm Springs, and knew he had congestive heart failure. Now, he lives in Cannes, France. Lives. As do all 4 of our parents.

10 years ago Devon was planning her garden. Uncle Charlie was organizing his basement. Pam was drinking water from a mason jar. Dave was making jokes about chinese food. Memere Rose was in her RV.

10 years ago I got a new bathrobe. Now... I still have the same bathrobe that I wore every day for the last decade. I'm putting even odds that it will get me through the next one, too.

resolution season

A year ago I made some New Year's Resolutions. I think, for the first time in my life, I stuck to most of those goals. There were a handful of days this year that I did not drink my entire nalgene bottle of water, and I am way past the point where it's a chore to consume it. Until I got sick a month ago, I've done pretty well with regular exercise too. Cutting back on portions is fairly easy for me, but I totally fell down on the not snacking at night thing. Totally. However, the purpose was for my clothes to fit better, and I think they do. I have a hard time keeping my pants up without belts, which is a vast improvement over last year's inability to button some of them. Last year's resolutions are this year's habits, and they are continuing for 2010. And I need to add regular stretching to the list. My back is killing me now that the floor is 10 degrees colder and I don't want to lie down there to stretch. But I must. My other new resolution is to try to write more. For no reason other than I enjoy it. And it's good for me.

How about you? What are you hoping to change or improve this year? In keeping with last year's photo giveaway, two random commenters will win a picture. Be sure to state your preference, if you care.

"It's good to know someone out there cares"

And it's good to have a bunch of sunshines for whom to care. (Even if they don't care that, though the previous sentences sounds wrong, it is grammatically correct.)

A good last day before Christmas vacation. I won't be as hokey as to say 'every time a bell rings...' but we shared some moments, and I think those who came in for the half day left more prepared for the joy(?) the rest of the week brings.

I do love my job, and am thankful every day that I found where I belong. Merry Christmas to all: I hope you are all where you belong, too.

the magic of Christmas

Today some graduated sunshines stopped by with a gift certificate to the local store. "We know you guys like to get pizza sometimes, so here you go..." It was a kind, thoughtful, very generous gift. They had never contributed to the class parties when they were students, so it was even more shocking. And wonderful. Long term impact... you never know when you will see the effects.

Right after that, another friend who works in the building brought her extra beads in and let the kids make necklaces and bracelets. They were appreciative, and made some pretty cool looking gifts.

I do love what this time of year brings out in many people. It helps the ones hurt by this season cope better.

just survive, baby

It's the theme of the week. A valuable skill, surviving. Most of the sunshines know how to physically, but they don't always know how to survive emotionally. Knowing how to take care of yourself while still honoring your commitments is key.

it's beginning to feel like Christmas

Today my teacher friend made pancakes for her class, and had leftovers. She called our class in to enjoy the leftovers... but it wasn't just leftovers. She'd set the table for us, and we sat around and talked. Enjoyed each other's company. It was a really nice start to the end of a long week.

What is significant about this is the willingness of my class to play along. They sat, and talked to her about their lives. She got them to write down their resolutions. They were comfortable--welcomed-- and I could tell they liked it.

People often tell me it takes a special person to do what I do. Honestly, it really doesn't, but it does take a willingness to let go of control. To be seen as vulnerable as well as powerful. The magic happens in the vulnerable moments, and it was just so very cool that my neighbor got them to that magical place.

The holidays are not always easy for my sunshines. But today was. Nice.

paying it forward

It was not a fun drive home from Gramma and Grandpa's tonight. We left about 5 minutes after the last bite of pie was had, thrown out by my dad who knew a storm was comin'. It was raining at 3, and the car told us it was 36 degrees. I don't think we went over the speed limit on the whole drive up the turnpike, and just as WB was about to pull in for a fresh cup of joe, the rain changed over and the temp dipped to 32... so he kept on driving. Luckily, the change-over was quick, and it went straight to snow. We got almost home-- about 10 miles away-- when a deer ran across the road about 3 cars in front of us. Unfortunately, said cars stopped in the middle of the road, checking to see the damage to the lead vehicle, and almost causing an accident with those behind them. But that's not the story here: we were a quarter of a mile from home when we came upon a young driver burried in a snow bank. We stopped and asked if he was ok, and he was pretty confident he could get it out... but us, not so much. We hopped out and helped push him out. Disaster averted.

If I'd been thinking clearly, my parting advice (in addition to the "be careful!" I threw his way) would have been to pay it forward. For those of you not familiar with the movie, you won't regret a rental. I've talked about this concept with my Sunshines a lot, and my own kids get it without thinking. Instead of paying someone back when they help you out of a jam, pay it forward and help the next person you see in need of help. If everyone helped 3 people, and those people helped 3 people, we'd have a lot more helping going around. It was nice to have an opportunity to practice what I preach.

doin' something right

Yesterday I got another letter from a graduated sunshine. He's spending some time in the neighboring county's hotel, and got my address from another sunshine who is in with him. (They were both involved in the same foolish act, and this mini vacation helps them realize that there are consequences to our actions.) Anyhow, Sunshine 1 doesn't visit me as much as Sunshine 2, so I was surprised to get a letter from him. It was pretty short-- I'm in here, just wanted to say hi, I'll come visit when I'm out, and oh yea, I know I messed up to get here in the first place. But he wrote it.

I know that I am not pushing the envelope academically. If the second teaching position survives the budget process, that will change some; but I don't think academics will ever be my overall focus. I want them to know there's someone out here who wants to hear from them, even if they're writing from the county hotel. I choose to spend huge chunks of our day talking about unintended consequences and how the choices they make directly determine what comes next. When we're talking about reputations and choices, we're not talking about how to figure out the area of a circle, and I'm ok with that. If you can get yourself to the point where you can hold down a job, and if keeping that job requires your use of pi, then you'll figure it. But if you can't hold down a job, how much does it matter?

I'll admit, we're not doing so hot on the job front. I want to put more of a focus on volunteering, which will get them some work experience to build on. But that first goal-- that there's someone out here who wants to know what you're doing, whatever you're doing, because I care about you-- well, we've accomplished that one, big time.

callin' it

I do not possess Weather Boy's mad skillz, which should be obvious in his very name, but I'm calling it for tomorrow. I've never done this before, but I'm doing it now. (It helps that I saw the Doctor today and he indicated tomorrow was looking troubling.)

holiday cheer

I know this is shocking, but I'm not a big decorator. It's where the realist in me comes out (and one of the few times she ever comes out): why would I go through all the trouble of setting all kinds of things up to just have to take them back down again? (It's why I also hate bulletin boards, but those are worse because you waste paper doing it.) So, for the most part, what is up in January is what is up in June. December, obviously, has a slight exception. Slight.

We don't usually put our tree up until sometime in the late teens. This is partly because we will only get a real tree, which means you have a limited window of safety. And it's partly because we're rather busy, and doing the tree doesn't get priority scheduling during the early part of December. Because I don't like decorating the tree. Which is the whole point.

Today I started wrapping. This is pretty early for me, but we're doing Christmas with my parents and brother in a week, and if I'm going to wrap their stuff, I might as well wrap other gifts while I'm at it. I'm mostly done shopping, just need a few little fillers here and there. (And a good present for my bro-- what I had gotten was for mailing, but it turns out we'll be seeing him, so now I'm looking for a better open-in-front-of-us idea.) But it's not the wrapping that is getting me into the spirit; it's my old, contact papered Christmas Cards.

Today we hung my Boynton Christmas Cards all over my kitchen cabinets. It is that action-- completely frivolous and so unlike me-- that turns the corner for me during the holidays. I love Sandra Boynton. I've only bought Boynton Christmas Cards since I started buying cards. Sadly for me, she no longer creates cards, which puts me in a bit of a pickle in terms on sending cards, but luckily for me, I loved her cards so much that I saved one every year and covered it in contact paper. And hung it up around my dorm room... and now my kitchen. I think I've gotten all I that's out there from eBay, which is probably good since the kitchen is overwhelmed as it is. But she's just so funny, and her ideas make me giggle... that even I go through the trouble of hanging them for 1 month every year.

say it ain't so

I learned on Friday that a friend of mine passed away. I consider myself lucky to have known Joe, and I am deeply saddened by his passing. He was one of the kindest, sweetest, most gentle people I've ever known. Although I did not see him everyday, bumping into him in the grocery store was always a treat. This year's fantasy baseball season is going to be a hard one: the draft has always been in his basement, and I can't imagine any of the guys getting through it, wherever they are, without a few tears being shed.

At the start of this week, our community lost another long time, beloved teacher. Many people had both these people as teachers, and we are no where near healed from the loss of the first giant to have the second follow so quickly. Death is a part of life, but it is never easy. My heart goes out to the family and friends of both Linda and Joe, and I hope our combined grieving helps everyone heal. But it's been a hard week, and I am heartbroken.

my life in the movies

There's been a lot going on around here. Besides the regular craziness that is my life, I had 2 fundraisers from 2 different schools end before break. For all you leaders of varied groups out there, here's some free advice: do NOT run two fundraisers simultaneously. It'll make your head spin.

Last Friday I counted money and finalized the order for fundraiser 1. I had Friday DT duty, so why not use that time to my benefit, right? I ended up asking the kids why they were in Friday-- what did you do to get here? I'm not kidding when one kid looked at me and said "I didn't have anywhere better to be." And there he sat, for 2 hours, working on his essay for English. I've had kids show up for a Friday a week early not realizing they had the date wrong (and I NEVER turn them away-- if you come, you must know something that I don't), but never did I think I would live out this John Hughes moment.

Yesterday we had our student Thanksgiving. We got to a local church and made the full meal, and then delivered to local elderly and administrators who couldn't join us. And then we went around the table and highlighted one thing for which we were thankful. One of my seniors summed it up well: "I am thankful to be a senior but also thankful to know that even though it's my last year at school it's not my last year here." I am just as thankful for that as she is.

sickies

Both kids are sick. Girly came down with it first, a little head cold to just annoy her. She mentioned a sore throat, but it didn't act like strep, and she didn't have a fever. She is a trooper when she's sick, always has been, so it's hard to tell just how severe anything is with her. And, since she loves school and never wants to stay home, she'll keep it quiet if she's not feeling well. She got through Friday, and was set up to have a couch filled weekend. Boy, on the other hand, is much more of a hypochondriac. So when he told me yesterday his throat was feeling scratchy, I sort of rolled my eyes and prepared for the misery.

Today, however, it's obvious he really is sick. He left the couch long enough to get some soup... and when he got up after having it he said he couldn't see. WB replied that he could, and Boy said again that he couldn't. He tried to describe that change in vision that comes right before passing out... but couldn't get it out before his knees buckled. Luckily WB was right behind him and dragged him to the couch while I dialed the ER. He came to after a scary 10 seconds, and then threw up all over the floor. The on-call doc confirmed our suspicions that his vagus nerve got a little excited and that he is fine. Freaked out, but fine. We dug out the mercury thermometer (broken digital ones abound) and look at that-- 102.5. No doubt he'll be staying home tomorrow.

Nobody every promised parenting was easy, nor was it advertised for the weak of heart. But having Girly in the danger zone with her peak flows as her head cold moves south and a feeverish Boy in bed having passed out and thrown up... well, we've had happier family Sundays. I guess the only good news is that if we'd taken them to get vaccinated yesterday we'd have been turned away at the door, and if it is H1N1, the vaccine wouldn't have taken because they were already sick. So now we wait and see what happens. And hope they didn't miss the last best day of the year sick on the couch.

if X then....

There's been a lot going on in the lands of my sunshines. Fights with each other, fights with parents, fights with administration, fights with the courts... stuff way bigger than physics and geometry and grammar. It's sort of getting me down. Not out, but down. I know you can't undo in six hours what is done in eighteen, but it still is sad watching from the sidelines.

One thing I struggle with in those six hours is natural consequences to actions. I've had a lot of people ask me why don't I give detentions, and my short answer is because they don't work. If they worked, kids probably would have changed their behavior back in middle school or elementary school and never crossed my threshold. The threat of detention works for certain types of kids, but not usually for the ones who actually get the detention. I feel the same way about suspension: I want them here in school, learning, rather than running around town. Suspension works for those kids whose parents would make the days off miserable, but I've had many students tell me they did X so they could get a few days off. Yup. Great.

I'm not saying I don't believe in consequences-- I'm a firm believer in them. I just want them to be natural, and meaningful. So what is the natural consequence to lying to me? I lose respect for you, sure, but how do I translate that into something tangible so you really understand why I'm so hurt by your actions? No wonder we settled on detention and suspension-- it's an easy consequence.

One of my sunshines who earned a suspension for saying rude things to an administrator came in to get make up work today and asked if a letter of apology could cut the suspension in half. I was thrilled that the student initiated this idea, and I hope it works out. Time away to cool down is important, but being able to apologize, sincerely, for your inappropriate actions is massive. Like I said, I'm down but nowhere near out.

getting along

Yesterday we had an issue bring people to the polls in droves usually reserved for election years. I heard 60% of the registered Maine voters came out to the polls... incredible for having no candidates, but still sad that we're jumping up and down over 40% off the people staying home. Regardless, I think it's pretty universally accepted that people came to vote their hearts on the gay marriage law.

I've not once hidden my support for the rights for gays-- and everyone, really, who wants to-- to marry. I have a lot of personal reasons for this, including a gay uncle whom I adore. I have lesbian friends in committed relationships who don't get to refer to their significant other in the same way I get to refer to mine, just because 'she' is not a 'he'. I also believe that God created some people to fall in love with people of the same sex. I know what the Bible says, and what the conventional teachings are, but I also distinctly remember being in high school and learning that Martin Luther believed retarded children should be left to die. What I took away from that is that God has His Word, but humans are the ones to write it down, and could very well have left something out in translation. I don't pretend to know why God does all He does, and I don't pretend to understand why some people are homosexual. I also don't understand why some people hate them for that, or how that is part of His plan either. I do know that no one would choose to be isolated, despised, threatened, attacked, disowned or killed because of who they love.

Now, I also do not believe that everyone voting Yes on One is homophobic or ready to go out and lynch someone: that would be as ridiculous as saying that everyone who voted No is a homosexual themselves. Many of my dear friends voted Yes, and did so because they believed it was the right thing to do. I respect that. Truly. I may not agree with it, but I respect anyone who thinks through an issue and comes to a decision based on what they think is right, and then responsibly acts on that decision.

I do sincerely hope that someday homosexuals can marry in the same way that blacks and whites now can. (Well, can anywhere except Louisanna...) In my eyes, when the church allowed the state to sanction civil unions (heterosexual couples not getting married in a church) as marriages, it became a legal term and not an exclusively religious one. Should a church choose not to marry a couple, gay or straight, I have no problems with that. But the state cannot say the same thing. We stand for equality among all, even when we all don't agree. But I also want my friends to know, who feel as strongly as I do in the opposite direction, that I respect your position and hope you can respect mine. We don't have to agree, but we do have to get along. I like getting along. Getting along is what is best for all of us, no matter what we feel about any of it.

finishing feels pretty fine

This has been a big week around the yard. Yesterday, my go-to family for fixing the structural damage in our homes finished the sill project. I don't have a bill... yet... but I'm looking forward to paying it off and resting easily through the winter knowing my house isn't going to collapse as the snow melts away. This has been on my mind for 2 winters, so ya, this is a pretty exciting development.

Today, my CLP certified wood harvesting graduate finished cutting the 9(.1) cord of tree length wood. Well, the 5 cross pieces that kept the majority of logs out of the dirt need to dry off and be cleaned by rain to not ruin the chainsaw, but the pile is gone. Cut and stacked. Ready for winter and snow and cold. I cannot adequately express the relief that gives. Such a relief, actually, that I am planning on ordering another truckload to start seasoning for next winter... but that pile won't bother me all winter. That pile will be my Boy Scout Be Prepared pile. I feel a little like Frederick's industrious family, while also feeling as giddy as Frederick himself.

Monday the indoor wood stove arrives, and we'll need to get seasoned pieces to fit it. We need to get the chimney cleaned. But tonight I feel like this winter isn't going to kill my body, shivering away as the temperature drops. It's a really nice feeling.

ah-ha

So last night I was doing dishes. Which I do a lot, because the dishwasher died a while ago. WB comes in from the living room, having just figured out what is wrong with my feet and my back: dishes. By standing at the sink and constantly doing dishes, I'm putting extra stress on my already weakened feet, which then impacts my back. Which he knows because doing dishes is even harder on his back than it is on mine.

But I just convinced him to allow us to buy a new wood stove, for about twice as much as we can afford. How can I justify buying a new dishwasher? Especially since we need to fix the problem that caused the original dishwasher to be unusable? The look in his eyes, though, told me the cost of not fixing it is greater, and in fact, more expensive.

It just might be a good week to play the Megabucks.