A Friday ritual, often a Saturday one for me, from my friend Wendy, who got it from SouleMama. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
{this moment}
A Friday ritual, often a Saturday one for me, from my friend Wendy, who got it from SouleMama. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.
Friday, November 19, 2010
the season of the Grinch
As I think most of you know, I often take Friday detention. I certainly like the paycheck: I submit all my dates at once so it's a decent chunk of money (which yes, I do use to make an extra payment on something. Aren't I just a Responsible Engine?) But the $30 a week is not enough to keep me coming back... the real reason is because it gives me 2 hours to hang with the kids on the fringes and try to help them move forward. To let them spend time in a negative situation with someone who does enjoy spending time with them, even when they make bad choices.
Some weeks they come in quiet and resigned, other times fired up and looking for a distraction. If I told you the full moon for this month is in 2 days, would you be able to guess what sort of week this was? We weren't 5 minutes into the DT when I knew it was going to be a rough one. We made it, but it wasn't pretty. I left feeling like I let them down, and that my heart is too big to do this anymore. I'm already emotionally spent by 2:30PM on Friday, and to stick around for another 2 hours, in some ways doing an even tougher job than the first? I must be insane...
And on the drive home, I saw 2 kids walking. One had spent time with me, the other waiting around for the first. The two rides they'd lined up to bring them the 8 miles home fell through. I had my daughter's friend in the car to come play at our house, but I just couldn't drive by: in the dark and freezing cold, I knew they didn't have many options. "You're going to have to indulge me hon..." She was silent from the back seat, but really, what could she say?
As we left their driveway, I gave her my standard speech. "No matter how mad you get at your parents (and you WILL get mad at them) I hope you always remember just how lucky you are." Her 2 word reply, while simple, seemed heartfelt. Sixteen miles later we were back to where we started. " Thank you for letting me sleep tonight." I couldn't say more, because it's not safe to drive while you're crying.
I believe in paying it forward, and live by trying to leave everything I encounter better than I found it. My detentions are not the strictest ones around, make no doubt about that... but I sure hope they leave knowing I enjoyed spending time with them. Because even when they make me mad and break my heart, I keep coming back...
Some weeks they come in quiet and resigned, other times fired up and looking for a distraction. If I told you the full moon for this month is in 2 days, would you be able to guess what sort of week this was? We weren't 5 minutes into the DT when I knew it was going to be a rough one. We made it, but it wasn't pretty. I left feeling like I let them down, and that my heart is too big to do this anymore. I'm already emotionally spent by 2:30PM on Friday, and to stick around for another 2 hours, in some ways doing an even tougher job than the first? I must be insane...
And on the drive home, I saw 2 kids walking. One had spent time with me, the other waiting around for the first. The two rides they'd lined up to bring them the 8 miles home fell through. I had my daughter's friend in the car to come play at our house, but I just couldn't drive by: in the dark and freezing cold, I knew they didn't have many options. "You're going to have to indulge me hon..." She was silent from the back seat, but really, what could she say?
As we left their driveway, I gave her my standard speech. "No matter how mad you get at your parents (and you WILL get mad at them) I hope you always remember just how lucky you are." Her 2 word reply, while simple, seemed heartfelt. Sixteen miles later we were back to where we started. " Thank you for letting me sleep tonight." I couldn't say more, because it's not safe to drive while you're crying.
I believe in paying it forward, and live by trying to leave everything I encounter better than I found it. My detentions are not the strictest ones around, make no doubt about that... but I sure hope they leave knowing I enjoyed spending time with them. Because even when they make me mad and break my heart, I keep coming back...
Thursday, November 18, 2010
red crosses look a lot like plus signs
I gave blood this week at our school drive. I like that I am able to give blood... but I hate the act of giving, especially at school. I always worry that things will go wrong while I'm out saving the world, but I can't have the vampires that close without giving it my best shot. Let me sum up...
I've always been a tricky donor. My first attempt at giving was successful... sort of. I was a senior in high school, and I just made the required 110 weight (I know, those were the days, huh?). I gave, sat up, and got escorted to the cantine. My sister and her best friend were working, and BFF looked at me and said "Do you feel alright?" I don't remember the bell ringing, or me being carried back to a table. Or my sister fainting after seeing me faint before her eyes. Good times.... but hey, I waited until they had a full pint before passing out, so mission accomplished, right?
I haven't passed out since then, but I have had a couple of unsuccessful attempts. Between low iron (I learned to ask them to spin it instead of using the drop...nowadays it's all computerized somehow, but hey, I pass every time!) and being a slow bleeder, I was batting .500 for awhile. I did finally have one tech tell me to force water all day, and that little trick has got me in under the 20 minute wire ever since.
When I was taking an online Children's Lit class 10 years ago, I brought one of my required novels along with me... and that was true inspiration! Kiddie Lit tends to be light enough you can hold it with one hand while you give, and the print is a bit larger, so you can read it while laying on the table and pumping the rolling pin thingy. I could dominate an entire book in a session. Win-win.
All these little tricks make it more likely that I'll complete the task (except for the one time in the bloodmobile that I was so claustrophobic that they couldn't get me to bleed at all), but I still hate the process. The waiting, the questions (I have not had relations with anyone I shouldn't have, thank you very much!)... and the 20 minutes on the table. I don't mind the stick as much as the queasy feeling I get while giving. Just typing this is making me feel queasy.
So why do I keep going, you ask? Because I can. Because 90 minutes of my discomfort could save someone's life. And because of that, I will try every time.
I've always been a tricky donor. My first attempt at giving was successful... sort of. I was a senior in high school, and I just made the required 110 weight (I know, those were the days, huh?). I gave, sat up, and got escorted to the cantine. My sister and her best friend were working, and BFF looked at me and said "Do you feel alright?" I don't remember the bell ringing, or me being carried back to a table. Or my sister fainting after seeing me faint before her eyes. Good times.... but hey, I waited until they had a full pint before passing out, so mission accomplished, right?
I haven't passed out since then, but I have had a couple of unsuccessful attempts. Between low iron (I learned to ask them to spin it instead of using the drop...nowadays it's all computerized somehow, but hey, I pass every time!) and being a slow bleeder, I was batting .500 for awhile. I did finally have one tech tell me to force water all day, and that little trick has got me in under the 20 minute wire ever since.
When I was taking an online Children's Lit class 10 years ago, I brought one of my required novels along with me... and that was true inspiration! Kiddie Lit tends to be light enough you can hold it with one hand while you give, and the print is a bit larger, so you can read it while laying on the table and pumping the rolling pin thingy. I could dominate an entire book in a session. Win-win.
All these little tricks make it more likely that I'll complete the task (except for the one time in the bloodmobile that I was so claustrophobic that they couldn't get me to bleed at all), but I still hate the process. The waiting, the questions (I have not had relations with anyone I shouldn't have, thank you very much!)... and the 20 minutes on the table. I don't mind the stick as much as the queasy feeling I get while giving. Just typing this is making me feel queasy.
So why do I keep going, you ask? Because I can. Because 90 minutes of my discomfort could save someone's life. And because of that, I will try every time.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
{this moment}
Thursday, November 11, 2010
looking up
Monday, November 08, 2010
just keep swimming
Just another day in muddville today...
20 kids with 20 different reasons for being there.
I may not be able to save every kid. But that doesn't mean I am not going to try.
20 kids with 20 different reasons for being there.
I may not be able to save every kid. But that doesn't mean I am not going to try.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
compassion, defined
Girly asked me today if I was an organ donor. Out of the blue. I am, of course.
"Am I?"
Good God in Heaven, how can I even ponder such a concept?
If the unthinkable happened, and parts of you could be used to make another child, another family, whole again, without hesitation yes...
And as my eyes filled with tears at the very thought, she reached out to comfort me.
"Good", she said with a smile on her face.
She is something, that Girly of ours...
"Am I?"
Good God in Heaven, how can I even ponder such a concept?
If the unthinkable happened, and parts of you could be used to make another child, another family, whole again, without hesitation yes...
And as my eyes filled with tears at the very thought, she reached out to comfort me.
"Good", she said with a smile on her face.
She is something, that Girly of ours...
Friday, November 05, 2010
{this moment}
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
it's so much easier when you've got someone to lean on
Yesterday I had a meeting after school. We start these meetings with a check in: we go around the table and everyone says something-- life is good, my truck is dead, had a hard day, it's my birthday... even "I've got nothing" is an option. Mine included a reflection of all that's going on... and the acknowledgment that, in spite of it all, I love my job. I am making gains. We are making gains. It could always be worse. And on those bad days, there are people around who will hold me up until I can stand on my own again.
Meeting continues, I get picked up by WB because his truck died and he took the van to run errands. We call for a tow truck, vote in the statewide election, and continue on our day. Later in the evening I get a text from a Sunshine telling me about all that happened in his afternoon... and suffice it to say it put our parked-truck-with-leaking-brakes story to shame. Monday night I had a graduated Sunshine call because "I always feel better after talking to you". Two others popped in after school, just because they could.
It may not look like it every day, but we are getting somewhere. I may not be able to solve many of their problems, but at least they don't have to go through it alone.
Meeting continues, I get picked up by WB because his truck died and he took the van to run errands. We call for a tow truck, vote in the statewide election, and continue on our day. Later in the evening I get a text from a Sunshine telling me about all that happened in his afternoon... and suffice it to say it put our parked-truck-with-leaking-brakes story to shame. Monday night I had a graduated Sunshine call because "I always feel better after talking to you". Two others popped in after school, just because they could.
It may not look like it every day, but we are getting somewhere. I may not be able to solve many of their problems, but at least they don't have to go through it alone.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
hold on
This could evolve into a picture blog... my head is still full and spinning with all the changes happening around me. Words right now are overwhelming... and the interwebs too public of a forum. I have so much to say, but no energy to say it.
Please do not take my silence for apathy. I hope to be back to regular writing before too long, but until then...I take comfort in pictures and the words of others.
Please do not take my silence for apathy. I hope to be back to regular writing before too long, but until then...I take comfort in pictures and the words of others.
{this moment}
Friday, October 22, 2010
{this moment}
Thursday, October 21, 2010
We Can Get Together --The Hold Steady
She played "Heaven Isn't Happening"
She played "Heaven Is A Truck"
She said Heavenly was cool, I think they were from Oxford
I only had one single, it was a song about a pure and simple love
There's a "Girl On Heaven Hill"
I come up to her cabin still
She said Husker Du got huge, but they started in St. Paul
Do you remember "Makes No Sense At All?"
And heaven is the whole of the heart
And paradise is by the dashboard light
Utopia's a band, they sang "Love Is The Answer"
And I think they're probably right
Let it shine down on us all
Let it warm us from within
He wasn't just the drummer, he was the singer's younger brother
I still spin that single, but it don't sound that simple
Let it shine down on us all
Let it warm us from within
He wasn't just the drummer, he was someone's little brother
I still spin that single, but it don't sound that simple anymore
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Sit down on your floor and listen to your records
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Lock your bedroom door and listen to your records
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Heaven is whenever
She played "Heaven Is A Truck"
She said Heavenly was cool, I think they were from Oxford
I only had one single, it was a song about a pure and simple love
There's a "Girl On Heaven Hill"
I come up to her cabin still
She said Husker Du got huge, but they started in St. Paul
Do you remember "Makes No Sense At All?"
And heaven is the whole of the heart
And paradise is by the dashboard light
Utopia's a band, they sang "Love Is The Answer"
And I think they're probably right
Let it shine down on us all
Let it warm us from within
He wasn't just the drummer, he was the singer's younger brother
I still spin that single, but it don't sound that simple
Let it shine down on us all
Let it warm us from within
He wasn't just the drummer, he was someone's little brother
I still spin that single, but it don't sound that simple anymore
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Sit down on your floor and listen to your records
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Lock your bedroom door and listen to your records
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Heaven is whenever we can get together
Heaven is whenever
Saturday, October 16, 2010
craving, doing, thankful for
From my friend Amity. Great idea.
craving:
an entire weekend with nothing to do
(no wood, no raking, no events)
time to nap in the sun, cook with abandon, laugh with friends
doing:
cleaning the kitchen, stacking wood, connecting online
cooking
scrapbooking.... if I'm lucky
thankful for:
my functional, loving, supportive family
the sunshines
a job I love even when it is overwhelming
children who know who they are and what makes them happy
true friends
a husband I enjoy being with, and he with me
having enough but not too much
being content and at peace with myself
If you read, consider yourself tagged. Leave a comment with your thoughts.... or post your own on your space :)
craving:
an entire weekend with nothing to do
(no wood, no raking, no events)
time to nap in the sun, cook with abandon, laugh with friends
doing:
cleaning the kitchen, stacking wood, connecting online
cooking
scrapbooking.... if I'm lucky
thankful for:
my functional, loving, supportive family
the sunshines
a job I love even when it is overwhelming
children who know who they are and what makes them happy
true friends
a husband I enjoy being with, and he with me
having enough but not too much
being content and at peace with myself
If you read, consider yourself tagged. Leave a comment with your thoughts.... or post your own on your space :)
Friday, October 15, 2010
{this moment}
Friday, October 08, 2010
{this moment}
Sunday, October 03, 2010
you never miss your mother 'til she's gone
This week's Project Runway was quite intense. It was the same challenge as last season when they got to design their own textile, but with an added twist: the textile had to tell a personal story. It was a great addition to an already cool challenge. Add to this a contestant sharing a secret he'd kept for 10 years on the runway... well, even if you don't watch the show, you should watch this one.
It was billed as a 2 day challenge: day 1 to design the textile and get it made, and day 2 to use said fabric. The rest of day 1 was to shop at Mood and, I don't know, make patterns or something... but it turns out, they had flown their moms (and a few other family members) to NYC to visit, and they all got a day off. To say the workroom dissolved into a puddle of tears is an understatement.
What hit me most was how much these people still shine when their mom's validate their lives. And yet, it makes perfect sense. When I went school shopping with my mom this summer we were talking about my job, and I made a comment that what I do isn't magic.. and she jumped right in and said "Yes it is! I've always known you were going to do amazing things." I was shocked, because I had never realized they were proud of me for being a teacher-- and an alternative ed teacher at that. And it felt good to hear it. Really, really good.
I'm 40 years old, and have made choices about the direction of my life regardless of whether they'd have done the same thing. This isn't to say I've intentionally done things to disappoint them at all, but I guess I also hadn't thought I was still looking for their approval. But I am. We all are. Whether we're 6 years old looking out from the risers during the holiday concert or 32 and trying to make it huge in the fashion industry where our failures are very public... as long as mom is there saying "You're amazing!" we can all hold our heads high.
It was billed as a 2 day challenge: day 1 to design the textile and get it made, and day 2 to use said fabric. The rest of day 1 was to shop at Mood and, I don't know, make patterns or something... but it turns out, they had flown their moms (and a few other family members) to NYC to visit, and they all got a day off. To say the workroom dissolved into a puddle of tears is an understatement.
What hit me most was how much these people still shine when their mom's validate their lives. And yet, it makes perfect sense. When I went school shopping with my mom this summer we were talking about my job, and I made a comment that what I do isn't magic.. and she jumped right in and said "Yes it is! I've always known you were going to do amazing things." I was shocked, because I had never realized they were proud of me for being a teacher-- and an alternative ed teacher at that. And it felt good to hear it. Really, really good.
I'm 40 years old, and have made choices about the direction of my life regardless of whether they'd have done the same thing. This isn't to say I've intentionally done things to disappoint them at all, but I guess I also hadn't thought I was still looking for their approval. But I am. We all are. Whether we're 6 years old looking out from the risers during the holiday concert or 32 and trying to make it huge in the fashion industry where our failures are very public... as long as mom is there saying "You're amazing!" we can all hold our heads high.
Saturday, October 02, 2010
{this moment}
Friday, October 01, 2010
it gets better
Eileen posted a link to this site, and wowie wow wow. Somehow, watching this, I'm disheartened and inspired all at the same time. The premise of this site is to tell kids who are homosexual suffering through middle and high school that it gets better. That it's worth enduring the humiliation; it'll get better when you get out of school. Don't give in to the desperation, don't kill yourself; it gets better.
I'm thrilled adults are taking the time to help teenagers who are suffering. The interwebs often get criticized for disconnecting people, and to see hundreds of adults reaching out to unknown kids... yea, this is certainly an upgrade. But as a high school teacher.... I'm crying. That thousands of our students are suffering the worst years of their lives with us, in our 'safe' classrooms, well, it's a reality that is incredibly hard to swallow.
I know I try to make it better for all kids, but I also know that I don't always succeed. The comfort I take is that I am trying, and that is all I can do. But until we don't need the itgetsbetterproject, I will keep trying to make it better for all kids, no matter what makes coming to school the worst part of their day.
I'm thrilled adults are taking the time to help teenagers who are suffering. The interwebs often get criticized for disconnecting people, and to see hundreds of adults reaching out to unknown kids... yea, this is certainly an upgrade. But as a high school teacher.... I'm crying. That thousands of our students are suffering the worst years of their lives with us, in our 'safe' classrooms, well, it's a reality that is incredibly hard to swallow.
I know I try to make it better for all kids, but I also know that I don't always succeed. The comfort I take is that I am trying, and that is all I can do. But until we don't need the itgetsbetterproject, I will keep trying to make it better for all kids, no matter what makes coming to school the worst part of their day.
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