resolution season

A year ago I made some New Year's Resolutions. I think, for the first time in my life, I stuck to most of those goals. There were a handful of days this year that I did not drink my entire nalgene bottle of water, and I am way past the point where it's a chore to consume it. Until I got sick a month ago, I've done pretty well with regular exercise too. Cutting back on portions is fairly easy for me, but I totally fell down on the not snacking at night thing. Totally. However, the purpose was for my clothes to fit better, and I think they do. I have a hard time keeping my pants up without belts, which is a vast improvement over last year's inability to button some of them. Last year's resolutions are this year's habits, and they are continuing for 2010. And I need to add regular stretching to the list. My back is killing me now that the floor is 10 degrees colder and I don't want to lie down there to stretch. But I must. My other new resolution is to try to write more. For no reason other than I enjoy it. And it's good for me.

How about you? What are you hoping to change or improve this year? In keeping with last year's photo giveaway, two random commenters will win a picture. Be sure to state your preference, if you care.

"It's good to know someone out there cares"

And it's good to have a bunch of sunshines for whom to care. (Even if they don't care that, though the previous sentences sounds wrong, it is grammatically correct.)

A good last day before Christmas vacation. I won't be as hokey as to say 'every time a bell rings...' but we shared some moments, and I think those who came in for the half day left more prepared for the joy(?) the rest of the week brings.

I do love my job, and am thankful every day that I found where I belong. Merry Christmas to all: I hope you are all where you belong, too.

the magic of Christmas

Today some graduated sunshines stopped by with a gift certificate to the local store. "We know you guys like to get pizza sometimes, so here you go..." It was a kind, thoughtful, very generous gift. They had never contributed to the class parties when they were students, so it was even more shocking. And wonderful. Long term impact... you never know when you will see the effects.

Right after that, another friend who works in the building brought her extra beads in and let the kids make necklaces and bracelets. They were appreciative, and made some pretty cool looking gifts.

I do love what this time of year brings out in many people. It helps the ones hurt by this season cope better.

just survive, baby

It's the theme of the week. A valuable skill, surviving. Most of the sunshines know how to physically, but they don't always know how to survive emotionally. Knowing how to take care of yourself while still honoring your commitments is key.

it's beginning to feel like Christmas

Today my teacher friend made pancakes for her class, and had leftovers. She called our class in to enjoy the leftovers... but it wasn't just leftovers. She'd set the table for us, and we sat around and talked. Enjoyed each other's company. It was a really nice start to the end of a long week.

What is significant about this is the willingness of my class to play along. They sat, and talked to her about their lives. She got them to write down their resolutions. They were comfortable--welcomed-- and I could tell they liked it.

People often tell me it takes a special person to do what I do. Honestly, it really doesn't, but it does take a willingness to let go of control. To be seen as vulnerable as well as powerful. The magic happens in the vulnerable moments, and it was just so very cool that my neighbor got them to that magical place.

The holidays are not always easy for my sunshines. But today was. Nice.

paying it forward

It was not a fun drive home from Gramma and Grandpa's tonight. We left about 5 minutes after the last bite of pie was had, thrown out by my dad who knew a storm was comin'. It was raining at 3, and the car told us it was 36 degrees. I don't think we went over the speed limit on the whole drive up the turnpike, and just as WB was about to pull in for a fresh cup of joe, the rain changed over and the temp dipped to 32... so he kept on driving. Luckily, the change-over was quick, and it went straight to snow. We got almost home-- about 10 miles away-- when a deer ran across the road about 3 cars in front of us. Unfortunately, said cars stopped in the middle of the road, checking to see the damage to the lead vehicle, and almost causing an accident with those behind them. But that's not the story here: we were a quarter of a mile from home when we came upon a young driver burried in a snow bank. We stopped and asked if he was ok, and he was pretty confident he could get it out... but us, not so much. We hopped out and helped push him out. Disaster averted.

If I'd been thinking clearly, my parting advice (in addition to the "be careful!" I threw his way) would have been to pay it forward. For those of you not familiar with the movie, you won't regret a rental. I've talked about this concept with my Sunshines a lot, and my own kids get it without thinking. Instead of paying someone back when they help you out of a jam, pay it forward and help the next person you see in need of help. If everyone helped 3 people, and those people helped 3 people, we'd have a lot more helping going around. It was nice to have an opportunity to practice what I preach.

doin' something right

Yesterday I got another letter from a graduated sunshine. He's spending some time in the neighboring county's hotel, and got my address from another sunshine who is in with him. (They were both involved in the same foolish act, and this mini vacation helps them realize that there are consequences to our actions.) Anyhow, Sunshine 1 doesn't visit me as much as Sunshine 2, so I was surprised to get a letter from him. It was pretty short-- I'm in here, just wanted to say hi, I'll come visit when I'm out, and oh yea, I know I messed up to get here in the first place. But he wrote it.

I know that I am not pushing the envelope academically. If the second teaching position survives the budget process, that will change some; but I don't think academics will ever be my overall focus. I want them to know there's someone out here who wants to hear from them, even if they're writing from the county hotel. I choose to spend huge chunks of our day talking about unintended consequences and how the choices they make directly determine what comes next. When we're talking about reputations and choices, we're not talking about how to figure out the area of a circle, and I'm ok with that. If you can get yourself to the point where you can hold down a job, and if keeping that job requires your use of pi, then you'll figure it. But if you can't hold down a job, how much does it matter?

I'll admit, we're not doing so hot on the job front. I want to put more of a focus on volunteering, which will get them some work experience to build on. But that first goal-- that there's someone out here who wants to know what you're doing, whatever you're doing, because I care about you-- well, we've accomplished that one, big time.

callin' it

I do not possess Weather Boy's mad skillz, which should be obvious in his very name, but I'm calling it for tomorrow. I've never done this before, but I'm doing it now. (It helps that I saw the Doctor today and he indicated tomorrow was looking troubling.)

holiday cheer

I know this is shocking, but I'm not a big decorator. It's where the realist in me comes out (and one of the few times she ever comes out): why would I go through all the trouble of setting all kinds of things up to just have to take them back down again? (It's why I also hate bulletin boards, but those are worse because you waste paper doing it.) So, for the most part, what is up in January is what is up in June. December, obviously, has a slight exception. Slight.

We don't usually put our tree up until sometime in the late teens. This is partly because we will only get a real tree, which means you have a limited window of safety. And it's partly because we're rather busy, and doing the tree doesn't get priority scheduling during the early part of December. Because I don't like decorating the tree. Which is the whole point.

Today I started wrapping. This is pretty early for me, but we're doing Christmas with my parents and brother in a week, and if I'm going to wrap their stuff, I might as well wrap other gifts while I'm at it. I'm mostly done shopping, just need a few little fillers here and there. (And a good present for my bro-- what I had gotten was for mailing, but it turns out we'll be seeing him, so now I'm looking for a better open-in-front-of-us idea.) But it's not the wrapping that is getting me into the spirit; it's my old, contact papered Christmas Cards.

Today we hung my Boynton Christmas Cards all over my kitchen cabinets. It is that action-- completely frivolous and so unlike me-- that turns the corner for me during the holidays. I love Sandra Boynton. I've only bought Boynton Christmas Cards since I started buying cards. Sadly for me, she no longer creates cards, which puts me in a bit of a pickle in terms on sending cards, but luckily for me, I loved her cards so much that I saved one every year and covered it in contact paper. And hung it up around my dorm room... and now my kitchen. I think I've gotten all I that's out there from eBay, which is probably good since the kitchen is overwhelmed as it is. But she's just so funny, and her ideas make me giggle... that even I go through the trouble of hanging them for 1 month every year.

say it ain't so

I learned on Friday that a friend of mine passed away. I consider myself lucky to have known Joe, and I am deeply saddened by his passing. He was one of the kindest, sweetest, most gentle people I've ever known. Although I did not see him everyday, bumping into him in the grocery store was always a treat. This year's fantasy baseball season is going to be a hard one: the draft has always been in his basement, and I can't imagine any of the guys getting through it, wherever they are, without a few tears being shed.

At the start of this week, our community lost another long time, beloved teacher. Many people had both these people as teachers, and we are no where near healed from the loss of the first giant to have the second follow so quickly. Death is a part of life, but it is never easy. My heart goes out to the family and friends of both Linda and Joe, and I hope our combined grieving helps everyone heal. But it's been a hard week, and I am heartbroken.

my life in the movies

There's been a lot going on around here. Besides the regular craziness that is my life, I had 2 fundraisers from 2 different schools end before break. For all you leaders of varied groups out there, here's some free advice: do NOT run two fundraisers simultaneously. It'll make your head spin.

Last Friday I counted money and finalized the order for fundraiser 1. I had Friday DT duty, so why not use that time to my benefit, right? I ended up asking the kids why they were in Friday-- what did you do to get here? I'm not kidding when one kid looked at me and said "I didn't have anywhere better to be." And there he sat, for 2 hours, working on his essay for English. I've had kids show up for a Friday a week early not realizing they had the date wrong (and I NEVER turn them away-- if you come, you must know something that I don't), but never did I think I would live out this John Hughes moment.

Yesterday we had our student Thanksgiving. We got to a local church and made the full meal, and then delivered to local elderly and administrators who couldn't join us. And then we went around the table and highlighted one thing for which we were thankful. One of my seniors summed it up well: "I am thankful to be a senior but also thankful to know that even though it's my last year at school it's not my last year here." I am just as thankful for that as she is.

sickies

Both kids are sick. Girly came down with it first, a little head cold to just annoy her. She mentioned a sore throat, but it didn't act like strep, and she didn't have a fever. She is a trooper when she's sick, always has been, so it's hard to tell just how severe anything is with her. And, since she loves school and never wants to stay home, she'll keep it quiet if she's not feeling well. She got through Friday, and was set up to have a couch filled weekend. Boy, on the other hand, is much more of a hypochondriac. So when he told me yesterday his throat was feeling scratchy, I sort of rolled my eyes and prepared for the misery.

Today, however, it's obvious he really is sick. He left the couch long enough to get some soup... and when he got up after having it he said he couldn't see. WB replied that he could, and Boy said again that he couldn't. He tried to describe that change in vision that comes right before passing out... but couldn't get it out before his knees buckled. Luckily WB was right behind him and dragged him to the couch while I dialed the ER. He came to after a scary 10 seconds, and then threw up all over the floor. The on-call doc confirmed our suspicions that his vagus nerve got a little excited and that he is fine. Freaked out, but fine. We dug out the mercury thermometer (broken digital ones abound) and look at that-- 102.5. No doubt he'll be staying home tomorrow.

Nobody every promised parenting was easy, nor was it advertised for the weak of heart. But having Girly in the danger zone with her peak flows as her head cold moves south and a feeverish Boy in bed having passed out and thrown up... well, we've had happier family Sundays. I guess the only good news is that if we'd taken them to get vaccinated yesterday we'd have been turned away at the door, and if it is H1N1, the vaccine wouldn't have taken because they were already sick. So now we wait and see what happens. And hope they didn't miss the last best day of the year sick on the couch.

if X then....

There's been a lot going on in the lands of my sunshines. Fights with each other, fights with parents, fights with administration, fights with the courts... stuff way bigger than physics and geometry and grammar. It's sort of getting me down. Not out, but down. I know you can't undo in six hours what is done in eighteen, but it still is sad watching from the sidelines.

One thing I struggle with in those six hours is natural consequences to actions. I've had a lot of people ask me why don't I give detentions, and my short answer is because they don't work. If they worked, kids probably would have changed their behavior back in middle school or elementary school and never crossed my threshold. The threat of detention works for certain types of kids, but not usually for the ones who actually get the detention. I feel the same way about suspension: I want them here in school, learning, rather than running around town. Suspension works for those kids whose parents would make the days off miserable, but I've had many students tell me they did X so they could get a few days off. Yup. Great.

I'm not saying I don't believe in consequences-- I'm a firm believer in them. I just want them to be natural, and meaningful. So what is the natural consequence to lying to me? I lose respect for you, sure, but how do I translate that into something tangible so you really understand why I'm so hurt by your actions? No wonder we settled on detention and suspension-- it's an easy consequence.

One of my sunshines who earned a suspension for saying rude things to an administrator came in to get make up work today and asked if a letter of apology could cut the suspension in half. I was thrilled that the student initiated this idea, and I hope it works out. Time away to cool down is important, but being able to apologize, sincerely, for your inappropriate actions is massive. Like I said, I'm down but nowhere near out.

getting along

Yesterday we had an issue bring people to the polls in droves usually reserved for election years. I heard 60% of the registered Maine voters came out to the polls... incredible for having no candidates, but still sad that we're jumping up and down over 40% off the people staying home. Regardless, I think it's pretty universally accepted that people came to vote their hearts on the gay marriage law.

I've not once hidden my support for the rights for gays-- and everyone, really, who wants to-- to marry. I have a lot of personal reasons for this, including a gay uncle whom I adore. I have lesbian friends in committed relationships who don't get to refer to their significant other in the same way I get to refer to mine, just because 'she' is not a 'he'. I also believe that God created some people to fall in love with people of the same sex. I know what the Bible says, and what the conventional teachings are, but I also distinctly remember being in high school and learning that Martin Luther believed retarded children should be left to die. What I took away from that is that God has His Word, but humans are the ones to write it down, and could very well have left something out in translation. I don't pretend to know why God does all He does, and I don't pretend to understand why some people are homosexual. I also don't understand why some people hate them for that, or how that is part of His plan either. I do know that no one would choose to be isolated, despised, threatened, attacked, disowned or killed because of who they love.

Now, I also do not believe that everyone voting Yes on One is homophobic or ready to go out and lynch someone: that would be as ridiculous as saying that everyone who voted No is a homosexual themselves. Many of my dear friends voted Yes, and did so because they believed it was the right thing to do. I respect that. Truly. I may not agree with it, but I respect anyone who thinks through an issue and comes to a decision based on what they think is right, and then responsibly acts on that decision.

I do sincerely hope that someday homosexuals can marry in the same way that blacks and whites now can. (Well, can anywhere except Louisanna...) In my eyes, when the church allowed the state to sanction civil unions (heterosexual couples not getting married in a church) as marriages, it became a legal term and not an exclusively religious one. Should a church choose not to marry a couple, gay or straight, I have no problems with that. But the state cannot say the same thing. We stand for equality among all, even when we all don't agree. But I also want my friends to know, who feel as strongly as I do in the opposite direction, that I respect your position and hope you can respect mine. We don't have to agree, but we do have to get along. I like getting along. Getting along is what is best for all of us, no matter what we feel about any of it.

finishing feels pretty fine

This has been a big week around the yard. Yesterday, my go-to family for fixing the structural damage in our homes finished the sill project. I don't have a bill... yet... but I'm looking forward to paying it off and resting easily through the winter knowing my house isn't going to collapse as the snow melts away. This has been on my mind for 2 winters, so ya, this is a pretty exciting development.

Today, my CLP certified wood harvesting graduate finished cutting the 9(.1) cord of tree length wood. Well, the 5 cross pieces that kept the majority of logs out of the dirt need to dry off and be cleaned by rain to not ruin the chainsaw, but the pile is gone. Cut and stacked. Ready for winter and snow and cold. I cannot adequately express the relief that gives. Such a relief, actually, that I am planning on ordering another truckload to start seasoning for next winter... but that pile won't bother me all winter. That pile will be my Boy Scout Be Prepared pile. I feel a little like Frederick's industrious family, while also feeling as giddy as Frederick himself.

Monday the indoor wood stove arrives, and we'll need to get seasoned pieces to fit it. We need to get the chimney cleaned. But tonight I feel like this winter isn't going to kill my body, shivering away as the temperature drops. It's a really nice feeling.

ah-ha

So last night I was doing dishes. Which I do a lot, because the dishwasher died a while ago. WB comes in from the living room, having just figured out what is wrong with my feet and my back: dishes. By standing at the sink and constantly doing dishes, I'm putting extra stress on my already weakened feet, which then impacts my back. Which he knows because doing dishes is even harder on his back than it is on mine.

But I just convinced him to allow us to buy a new wood stove, for about twice as much as we can afford. How can I justify buying a new dishwasher? Especially since we need to fix the problem that caused the original dishwasher to be unusable? The look in his eyes, though, told me the cost of not fixing it is greater, and in fact, more expensive.

It just might be a good week to play the Megabucks.

Happy Halloween!

It's possible that this is the last year of the Fearsome Foursome (ok, we don't really call them that but it sounded good tonight) theme-ing their costumes together. They've been doing this since the beginning, but there is discussion of breaking it up over gender lines. Either way, I love what this tradition has meant for our little family of friends. We've gone through 2 cycles of taking turns on who picks, and when it's your year to pick, you have to pick something that makes everyone happy. It's not always been easy, but they've done it. It's been fun charting their progress down the Street as they've grown up. The first year they got as far as the house on the corner before deciding they were done: tonight they did the whole walk and then some. In the end, it's still more about the costumes and the theme than it is about the candy. I hope that is what they remember when they are ready to take their own kids out.

surgery foot, round 2

In August, 2004, I had surgery on my right foot. I have bunyons, which I guess my whole family does, but mine were causing me to walk funny, which was putting my back out and was not a pretty scene. For the record, surgery isn't either.

There is never a good time to have foot surgery. I knew I didn't want to be on crutches in winter; if we lived in outside of the snow belt, maybe, but no way did I want to deal with ice and crutches. Spring meant not doing the dance recital that year, which was clearly not an option. Summer, well, who wants to be bannished from the beach because you can't get sand in your wound? That left fall. Not a good time either since WB was still coaching soccer, but what choice did I have? I would not be able to drive for at least a month, and was looking at 6 weeks of crutches. Can you say suck?

We got through it. I do not like being dependent on anyone, and if nothing else, it was a lesson in humility. Friends came to our rescue and picked up kids and drove me around. My mom was a rock star a couple of times, driving 2 hours to get me, 1 hour back down the road she had just come to take me to my weekly appointment, and then reversed the trip. The only comfort the whole time was that the next foot (!) would have me out of the driver's seat for less time. Well, that and my stubborness that said I was doing the May recital, no matter what.

Five years later, my right foot is doing ok. But my left is starting to scream at me regularly, and last night I noticed the skin is damaged where it rubs against my shoes. It's time. But the question again is when to do it? I love, love, love my tap dance, so no way I'm sitting this recital out. The Monday after sounds great... except it's smack dab in the middle of track season. Do I take a chance on June being as rainy and yucky as it's been? Or do I wait for August, before school starts up again, but give up the last few precious days of freedom? Complicating matters is the knowledge that I may be moving rooms again, and will most likely have a new teaching partner. Being on crutches (and pain killers) is not a great start to any new relationship.

Today my vote is sometime during the week of June 14, which is Snow Day Make Up Week. If I need to use sick days, I'd rather they come at the end of the year when my seniors have all graduated and I only have a handful of kids sticking around. That means I'll be driving by the end of June... but I also won't need to as much since WB will also be home. I'd be crutches free by mid July, meaning I could still visit WB's Auntie on the Cape, and limp my way onto the beach (I'm too cold-blooded to go in the ocean anymore anyhow, so no loss there). But tomorrow I could vote for August 23, the week before school starts, and just deal with moving and the new partner as it comes. I say again, no time is a good time to be on crutches.

If you were me, what would you do? Seriously people, I'm really asking for input on this one.

community

Last night we helped out with the rec department's haunted house. In no way, shape, or form am I attempting to take credit for what happened; we came in the afternoon with a plate of cookies, helped take money and did a little acting, and cleaned up a little after it was over. Other people had been there all week organizing, planning, decorating... and they returned today to finish cleaning. We were a small part of the night, but the night was absolutely amazing.

There's a long history of the rec department in our small town. Most of the focus is on sports teams, but the current group is working really hard to make it equally about community. One of the neighboring towns had been doing a haunted house event for the last few years, but for some reason they weren't able to do it this year. Our rec department decided we should, and so they did. There was an afternoon session, rated G for all ages, that had some families in attendance for over an hour, talking, laughing, and spending time together. The R showing (for violence, not language or sexual content!) in the evening had many guests screaming-- and coming back for more. More than one person said it was well executed and they hoped to see it again next year.

Seeing all these people-- from our town and neighboring communities-- come together around a non sports related event was magical. It was nice to see people talking to each other, and really nice to see so many young people volunteering their time to help pull off this event. Kids and adults of all ages working together for a common (non sports related) goal... it warmed this educator's heart. This is why I do what I do.

So thanks, rec department, for trying something new, for pulling it off, and for getting all these people together. I'm looking forward to the next one.

I hope tomorrow you find better things

Today was not my best day ever. I didn't do anything wrong, really. Just living my life the only way I know how... and a bunch of things happened around me leaving me feeling defeated. I don't like that feeling.

It started with a nightmare. Both my boys were murdered. The only good news of the nightmare was that I awoke knowing it was only a dream, but it left me with a sick feeling all day. School was what it sometimes is-- an uphill battle to help everyone get what they need. But the draining part of my day came about because I am incapable of not speaking up when I see inequity. Part of me knows I should just leave it alone and move on: the system is what it is and one voice does not make a difference. But I don't believe that, and therefore can't pretend I do. I really do believe it takes a village to raise a child, and I am part of that village. Even if it's not my child being treated unfairly, as a citizen it's my moral responsibility to speak up. And so I tilt at the windmills... and wonder if living, working, and parenting in the same district is really the best approach. That's a lot of hats to juggle, and a lot of lines that get blurred; it seems I'm finding the blurry spaces with shocking frequency this year.

For reasons I do not understand, I then made the choice to read a book suggested to me by Little Big Sis. Fist Stick Knife Gun, by Geoffrey Canada, tells the story of inner city violence and children. He survived the Bronx, got out, and re-entered as an adult trying to make things better. His assessment in 1995 (when the book was published) that if society didn't act now-- if we didn't act-- we might lose all hope. I'd like to find out how he feels now, but my heart just couldn't take the google search tonight.

Now I am up way past my bedtime, knowing my mind is racing too fast to even contemplate sleep. I am hoping the Ben and Jerry's will help. It's awfully late to go for a walk, but that's really what I want to do. Either that or dance my way through this feeling... but that's not realistic either. Tomorrow is another day... and I could really use a day filled with better things.