"You don't want to pick a song everyone else is using..."

I still feel this way, 15 years later. (Well, if you translate for gender...)

Somebody, Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
And in a place like this
I'll get away with it

Georgia on my mind

If I'd wanted to live in an area with 90 degree temps and 70% humidity I'd have moved to Georgia.

(I also didn't want to live in an area where school districts were mega-districts organized by county, but I guess I lost that battle, too.)

I guess I'll just have to think about fresh peaches and Vidalia onions...

super defined?

Today I went to work, wrote a job recommendation, listened and advised on a medical situation, stopped in at practice to give thoughts and inspiration as I was leaving the team for my kid, got to the ms track meet in time to see all 4 of Boy's events, and got to the talent show in time to see Girly dance. When we got home, I did dishes while making dinner and started a load of laundry. We ate at 8:30. In my understanding, this is the definition of a "super woman"; the question that keeps bugging me is why don't I feel so super?

half full, half crazy.

There's lots going on, and it's been easier to stay silent than to take the time to think about it... but not thinking about it is starting to feel like ignoring it, and I do not like that feeling.

Where to start? Vizzini told me to go back to the beginning... no, that's someone else. But I've been told the beginning is a very good place to start, so...

Sunshines are inching their way towards those caps and gowns. Right now, 20% of the seniors will be back for a 9th semester. I'm confident that, baring a major catastrophe (which we all know could happen at any time, without notice) 70% will graduate with their class, and 10% need to man up to get through the last 15 days of senior classes. Every year, we get an extra Sunshine Wannabe or two join in for the constant prodding; this year's participant is asking to get full Sunshine status... which is a bit late in the game, but we'll do what we can to help meet the June 11 deadline. Along with senior crazies, we still have issues with people hitting their proverbial walls and needing a lot of support to make it through. To say things are a bit hectic is the understatement of the month. The good news, though, is that I still can't imagine doing any other job. Let's hope I get the opportunity to relive this for 20 more years... I know, 20 years until retirement? That is an insane number in and of itself.

The real distractor, though, is personal. In short, WB's parents aren't getting any younger, and our involvement in their day to day lives is going to need to increase. I had it described to me as 'the Sandwhich Years'-- your kids still need your attention, but your parents need it too. It's not a fun time by any stretch, but I'm trying to maintain a very zen approach to it. It is what it is, and you don't get to choose everything that happens in your life. You do, however, get to choose how you react. I choose to view my role as a helpful one, to my husband and his family. While I don't see myself as a martyr, I do see this as a learning opportunity for all of us: people need different kinds of help at different times in their lives. Some kids need help graduating, and some elderly need help negotiating the medical world. If you're lucky (which I really have been) you get a chance to use your strengths to help Pay it Forward, all while maintaining a healthy sense of humor yourself. So far, so good...

As I was saying....

Privilege clouds judgement.

May 10th, 2010 Jessica Hagy Posted in inequality |

there but for the grace of God...

I just finished The Glass Castle, by Jeannette Walls; it's her memoir of growing up poorer than poor and having survived. Resilience is a fascinating thing: how do some siblings survive, but not all? Why do some kids "make it" while others repeat history? Most importantly, what can I do to teach resiliency?

If I can answer that last question, not only would I be able to take my show on the road, but I'd also be able to help a kid or two along the way. More than conjugating verbs or solving quadratic equations, the ability to soldier on in the face of defeat is what makes someone successful. That is what I want to teach kids; to believe in themselves and to find a way to get where they're going, no matter the odds.

So as I sit here in my house with running water and heat and electricity, surrounded by creature comforts and filled with good food and unconditional love, know that I do appreciate it all. My life is incredible, and all I did to get it was to be born to people who also had it. Luckily, I'll never know if I could have survived a childhood of abject poverty or one of disheartening neglect. I do know I'll do the best I can with what I've been given, because to waste the gift would be just plain wrong.

we're all frustrated

I've said it before and I'll say it again: giving the SAT to all juniors causes more problems that it solves. Thanks, DOE, for undoing a lot of the work I've done this year. I love being party to making my students feel stupid.

straight from the Sunshine's mouth

I realize I've gone a bit quiet around here, and that is because we still have issues that really cannot be discussed publicly, and I'm really not very good at keeping things to myself, so it's better to say nothing at all. Given that disclaimer, however, things coming out of April break were better than in February. Which is a very good thing, indeed.

This week one Sunshine paid us a very high compliment. We were discussing the varied bits of drama impacting everyone and I said something about their experiences breaking my heart because they're just too young to have to deal with these problems. He looked at me and said "Yea, but you make it better." It took a minute for that to sink in, so he said it again: "We come to school because being here makes it better. We wouldn't come if it didn't." And since I know he has had issues with truancy (many of them have), I know he's not kidding. They've learned how to avoid the things that make their lives harder and to stick with things that make them feel better (even if these things do not really make them better). That they come to school-- want to come to school-- is huge. That they will call and say they've missed the bus and need a ride if we can find them one... sometimes I miss the message they are really sending. They want to be at school. We have created a space where they feel valued, and it has value to them. I will own all the criticism about the level of academic output, but I will not let anyone say that our program is a joke or a waste of time. I have the data to prove it.

that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger

As you all (probably) know, WB was gone on a trip to a foreign country. He went as a chaperone with a school group doing service work. He loves to travel, and I very much don't, which is why he went and I stayed home with our kids (who were not allowed to participate due to age).

We've been apart before, for various courses and opportunities. What we didn't expect was the inability to talk daily. I think it was a full 7 days from when he left home to when we first talked online. I am a very social creature, so I had a very hard time not telling him about all the things that happened in my day. Most of the stuff was trivial-- so-and-so called, your magazine came in the mail-- but I missed telling him those things.

A friend of ours husband is serving overseas, and she has been on her own since the start of the school year. I thought of her, and him, and their kids, constantly throughout our little separation. What right did I have to complain about 8 days, when he wasn't ever really in danger? It could always be worse (which I'm sure our friends are also thinking) and you take what life throws your way and learn from it. Did I miss him? You bet. Was it the end of the world that we had a mini-vacation from each other? Not even close. Had we realized we didn't miss each other at all, well, that would have been tragic.

big time?

http://www.aeaofme.org/annual-conference

Does this mean I know what I'm doing?

To All Maine Points

It could be my most favorite sight in all the land.

Too bad I was zipping by at 70-something and couldn't snap a shot.

coping skills

When Boy was a baby, WB and I rarely needed a sitter (sitters require money...). When we would call on someone to come hang with him, we'd fill them in with all the deets, including bedtime. We quickly learned, however, that what they really needed to know was that Boy would just go to sleep when we left. Not immediately, but he'd play a bit, and have some dinner, and right after eating, he was done. For the night. The first few times the sitters were worried they'd done something wrong, but the best we could figure was he missed us, and knew if he went to sleep he would feel better. (I know, amazing coping skills for an 8 month old!)

As you all know, I've been dealing with a lot of Sunshine related drama, and one of the main themes is the distinct lack of coping skills. Either they don't know how to cope with the given situation, or don't have the energy to, or don't really care to, but the lack of coping causes as many problems as the issue at hand. But we debrief a lot about what they could have done, what they could do next time, and most importantly, how to avoid the situation in the future. I'm under no delusions that I wave my magic wand and *poof* everything is fixed, but it certainly won't get any worse by me trying.

I was chatting with my Little Big Sis this week, and I realized that I am running a national campaign that I didn't even know existed! Last year one of my girls came up with "Buckaroo on your shoulder". It even comes with hand movements: hold your thumb and forefinger about 2 inches apart, and then put it up on your shoulder. That's where I sit, all day, every day, ready to give you advice when you need it (kinda like WWJD? but without insinuating that I'm God-like). Should I get in the vehicle with this person I know has been drinking? Buckaroo on your shoulder thinks probably not. You might still choose to get in the truck, but you at least thought about it, for a minute, and owned the decision. Nationally, I guess it's called the Pause Campaign. Who knew?

Coping skills are huge. Without them, you feel out of control, often look out of control, and can end up looking less competent than you really are (I'll never forget the PET I left in hysterical tears when I got some bad infertility news. It was soon after that I resigned my teaching postion to focus on becoming a parent.) But when you've got the right skill for the right situation, you come out looking like a genius.

WB left for the Dominican Republic last night, and will be gone for a week or so. While I was making dinner tonight, I suddenly realized Boy was asleep on the couch. That kid knows how to cope.

I like these kinda Mondays.

Compared to recent days, today was pretty normal. CrazyBusy, as I think will be the theme until the Seniors are gone, but no major drama to process through.

Can I get a what what?

I hope to return to my regularly scheduled thoughtful blogging soon.

following Dory's advice

So many things happening, and I'm truly at a loss for how to proceed. But proceed I will, probably making mistakes along the way. Because giving up doesn't solve the problems. And the problems I'm talking about aren't just how to make your budget balance, so not finding solutions is not an option.

Just keep swimming indeed.

climate change

Anyone who does not realize that global climate change is real is hiding their head the the ever warming sand. I can't ever remember hanging clothes on my line before April vacation-- and even then I have to be very aware of the remaining snowbanks. This little patch of snow is the only patch I can find on our property: I'm sure there is some hidden in the woods, but I haven't gone looking. We should have grilled Easter dinner today instead of roasting-- but mentally I was not prepared for the weather. Regardless, it's been a nice stretch of weather, and even when the temps return to normal next week we've still crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. Summer is coming...

happy birthday to me

Today the tens place changes a digit. I'll be honest, it did mess with my head a bit. Girly asked me if I felt any different, and it was hard to answer her. I do feel different... but how to explain that to a 10 year old? For the first time, I feel thankful to have made it to this birthday, because many others don't. I feel confident in who I am and what I believe in. I feel... grounded. I feel at peace.

Forty feels pretty good.

truth speaking louder than words

Boys do cry.

March 29th, 2010 Jessica Hagy Posted in perception |

what the heck?

I've got to figure out what's bugging me. Earlier this week I had a nightmare that I was fighting with one of my friends (I think over another friend, but I can't confirm that). Those are my version of 'back to school' dreams; most of my friends have the teaching naked or forgetting to take a test variety, I have the fighting with my besties kind. And tonight when I headed to the doc for a quick check up, my BP was 150-something over 90-something. I know! It could be the large coffee... but it's more likely something bugging me that I haven't yet identified (see yesterday). I gotta figure it out soon, 'cause girlfriend doesn't like those numbers. At all.

(Friends who are nurses: don't be surprised if I bug you to do random BP tests on me!)

and the world keeps turning...

There's a lot happening on many fronts and I haven't been able to slow down the whirlwind enough to put it into words. Personally things are good, albeit a bit busy. Vocationally things are also good, but there are a lot of needs to be met that can't easily be met. Socially I am blessed with a lot of good friends and people to step up and help out.

When the world stops spinning long enough to catch my breath I'll update you.

"and the worst part of my day is someone couldn't conjugate a verb!"

Which is why it's good for me to have regular ed buddies with whom to share my stories, and reged buddies to come hang with us.

Today found a bunch of Sunshines with somebody having put something in their collective cheerios, and by the end of the day they were just going for shock value. Luckily, I can't be shocked easily. (Which is shocking, considering my unbelievably innocent childhood.) We got through it, and tomorrow we'll need some sort of a change, although just what that is remains to be discovered. But cries for attention happen for a reason, and so attention shall be given... as soon as I figure out just what it is they're trying to get me to notice about them.

Still, amidst the mayhem, I cannot imagine having any other job but this. While a vacation in an purely academic classroom might be welcome every so often, I do love the challenges our world brings.