Everclear

Yesterday afternoon, I came home to find my child worried about what turned out to be a misunderstanding. It was a relatively quick fix-- about 30 minutes, all told-- but we were all bothered by it. In my attempt to let it go, I posted lyrics. Posting lyrics is my standard cover-- I can say what I need to say, but it's not always obvious why.

A few hours later, we learned of the suicide of one of our students. We started the year with a tragic car accident, and are ending it with this. To say we are overwhelmed and emotionally spent... well, I'm so overwhelmed and spent that I can't finish that thought.

None of us saw this coming. He was on our track team, so I knew him. Good kid. Great smile. Couldn't always make practice, but there are a million reasons for that. I could see in his eyes that there was a story, but he had good friends... and so I never took it any further. Until yesterday. And now... that story will never be told.

As you know, a big part of my job is to teach resilience: why do some people overcome and others give in? And how do you teach that inner strength, that absolute belief that you can overcome anything? Not just anything, but everything? Such confidence is elusive, but essential. I spend my days sharing as much love as I can, and I pray that it is enough. Most days it is.


So, let me say it again: they cannot hurt you unless you let them. Please-- whatever is going on-- don't let it ruin you. And if you are in a place where you don't believe that in your core... let someone else guide you to a place where you do. Hang on for dear life if you must-- we've got you. I promise, you are not alone. Life is sometimes hard (so many of my sunshines know that better than I) but it is so worth it. Running away from the edge of the cliff is harder than letting yourself fall or getting pushed over it, but running gives you strength. And strength is often what gets you through.

They cannot hurt you unless you let them. Don't let them.

At the corner of Writer's Block and Starting Over...

I've been quiet on the ole' blog lately, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about why. Even trying to write this post about why I'm not writing is proving to be a struggle. Mostly I think I have so much swirling in my head-- budgets and successes and failures and 8th grade ceremonies and what will next year bring? and sports schedules and menu planning and is everyone ok?-- that to try to write one sentence means I have to find a way to stop the swirling. But that would take energy I don't have, and so, instead, I don't write. Not logical, but real.

I do have some things to say, and perhaps part of what I'm struggling with is the confidentiality of the other poor folk who share my life. Perhaps it is time to say goodbye to this blog and start 2 new ones-- one for the no harm content, and one super private one for those topics that I need to process in my extroverted way but without the extroversion piece. But then I'd have to lock that second one down, and I'm not so good at that, either. See how I got to the original solution in the first place?

So, my obvious wide spread audience, I need some help. What say you?

{this moment}

generations

Our dance recital was this weekend, which is a full fledged family affair. Girlie and I dance, WB runs the curtain and is an all around techie, I also stage manage, and Boy ran the spotlight this year and is learning the light board. (He used to dance, too, but stopped this year. I'm holding out hope that we can get him back on stage one of these years.) And my parents and WB's mom always come to watch.

Some years I love our songs, some years I just love to dance. This year it was all of it-- great songs, super fun dances, with costumes that fit the mood. After the show, my mom told me that my grandmother (whom I adored) used to have a red polka-dotted dress, and at one point she saw her in me. Other friends saw me in Girlie. Somehow knowing that there was evidence of my grandmother being there made the entire event even more special.

Today we got word that my mom is in the hospital. Nothing too serious, it seems, but we'll have more answers tomorrow. She's got a NG tube in and some pain killers running through her system, so my dad told us not to come visit because she really couldn't talk. I didn't want to put those images in the kids heads if it wasn't necessary, so I reluctantly agreed. But all day it's been nice knowing that she saw her mom for the first time in awhile before this happened. 

{this moment}

It was COLD Friday night.. but that didn't stop us from enjoying each other's company. I work with some pretty amazing, dedicated people.

{this moment}

I'm not sure how Smokey would feel about this one.

A week ago, I was sitting here on the couch, with my computer on my lap and my coffee next to me, waiting for WB's breakfast casserole to come out of the oven. The sun was shining, and we were far enough into vacation for it to have sunk in, but not so far that it was coming to an end. Life was good.

And then WB ran from the house. I thought he saw a moose in the yard or something, but it turned out to be a fire. In our field. Heading away from the house, but towards the camper and the woods. He yelled to me to call 911, which I did, and he grabbed a hose. The porch on the old milking shed had caught, and we figured if we could get that out we might keep it from said camper and coming back towards the house. After I made the call, I woke the girls up (Girlie had a friend over for the weekend, while Boy was at his friend's house) and tried to calmly tell them to get up as a few fire trucks were on their way. I shut off the oven, and went back outside to help. Which really meant standing by the milking shed with the hose while WB raked the grass back over the edges. I didn't know what he was doing, or really even why, but he seemed to know so I just focused my energy on what I knew how to do, which was apply water to fire to extinguish it.

I've never had to call 911 before. One time I mis-dialed my brother's phone number, and I guess I dialed 911 in the middle of it. Dispatch called me back, asking what my emergency was. I said I hadn't called, he said yes you did... then I remembered the mis-dial and gained a new understanding for the 911 system. But when you call because you need help-- and needed that help 5 minutes ago-- it is hard to stay calm. It also turns out that the 911 system doesn't work as well with cell phones. I probably spent 5 minutes on the phone, explaining our location to dispatch. I knew once the locals heard the address they'd know where to go, and I think that is when the adreneline stopped flowing constantly and I could think again. It was interesting to feel that happening-- I could barely explain myself when I first called, but by the end of the conversation I was calm and had a plan. I even tried calling my officer's wife/sherriff's stepdaughter friend to make sure they knew where the call originated. She wasn't home, but another volunteer firefighter's wife called me to say her hubby was on the way. And I knew then it would be ok.

Once the trucks arrived, they had the fire out within minutes. Their big hoses overpowered the flames in no time. Crews were here for probably an hour total, and most of that time was spent making sure it was out and then rolling the hoses up and putting them away. Disaster averted.

Before the blaze, I hadn't slept well for the better part of a month. School budget issues have seeped into my consciousness, and I'm not good at letting things go. Last Sunday night, I slept straight through. The school budget is important, and I will continue to fight for our students and our schools, but I feel like someone was suggesting that it is all relative. What matters in this life is the people you are with. As long as we have teachers who care, it will be ok. Maybe not perfect, but truly, is life ever truly perfect? Compared to all the things that I could have been dealing with-- including finding temporary housing for us as we cleaned up from a house fire, or feeding fire crews trying to put out a forest fire that started on our property-- figuring out a school budget seems fairly manageable.

Today, it's raining as I sit on the couch, making a plan for a very busy school week. I'm feeling my anxiety about the budget grow. I don't like conflict, especially with people I care about. I need to remember that it is all relative, and this storm will pass; whatever the damage is at the end of it, we'll rally around each other and set it right again. Because that's what we do.

{this moment}

{this moment}

stay connected

I am an optimist. And so it stands to reason that I'm on the Life is Good mailing list. So imagine my glee when, on my birthday, I saw this shirt. In my color. Preaching my message.

I debated. I haven't bought myself a new shirt in...I don't even know how long it's been since I bought new, never mind full price. But the Universe was speaking to me, and who was I to ignore?

I wore my new shirt today. And I don't even regret the purchase.

{these moments}

So I missed last week's moment. I took the picture, I just didn't post it. So here is a word filled look back through the last few weeks. I'm entitling this montage "Mother Nature's Hot Flash".

March 23: For the record, this pile of snow didn't melt last year until May.  

March 27: The blooming trees and little birdies aren't happy, either.

March 31: 1"-3" of snow predicted for tomorrow night. And lingering snowbanks in May are, once again, looking like a distinct possibility...

{this moment}

I can't even pretend to follow the {no words} rules this week.

What do you think is going on to draw such a crowd? You'd look at this shot and think it was an awards banquet or speech contest. Would you ever in a million years guess school board meeting? That was what I thought, too, as I walked into our gym. Hundreds of people-- best guess is 600-- showed up for a school board meeting to express our love and concern for our schools. Six hundred people came to a school board meeting. As a government teacher, I was pretty pumped. As a community member, I was encouraged. As a teacher at this school, I was overwhelmed.

This meeting has caused hard feelings on all sides of the issue, and that makes me incredibly sad. For me, this hasn't been about 'us vs. them' in the least-- and it is bad for all of us that that is what it's becoming. But I want the same thing for the neighboring high school and it's students that I want for ours: local control and all the benefits that come from small schools. Research supports it, but our proof is in the graduates. Both of our schools have sent kids off to top notch colleges, ready for the challenges their futures hold. We've sent kids who were considered 'at risk' for not graduating into the community college system with their high school diplomas in hand. We both do very good things, and that has benefited all of us. To me, a potential budget savings of only 1/15th of the shortfall is just not worth risking losing our small schools. Our budget it tight, there's no doubt about it: but a proposal such as this should be the last option, brought forth after all other options have been implemented. Closing schools and/or reconfiguring them damages the community as a whole in so many ways, and much of that impact continues on for decades after the event. The pros have to significantly outweigh the cons, and I dont' think they do for us right now.

I lost my community district 6 years ago, and I regret voting for that merger every day. My kids are still getting a solid education, but some of what we lost can't be easily measured or documented. There was a solid safety net under all of our kids; when they graduated from our k-8 district (one campus with one class per grade level) they went onto high school with confidence in themselves, an ability to get along with anyone, and a depth of creativity to 'make it work' in any situation. They had years of practice on all those skills, and we always had students in the Top Ten from each high school to which we tuitioned kids, which shows their academic skills got some use, too. When we merged in with our current district, I watched some of those opportunities fade away as we we exposed to more tangible ones: my children may now have tech ed and IA opportunities, but I'd trade those in a heartbeat for them to have the opportunity to truly learn to accept their classmate's strengths and weaknesses. Those kinds of skills take you far in life, no matter what you choose to do or where you choose to live. What we gained in that merger does not even come close to equaling what we lost.

Regardless of how you fall on this issue, you can't deny that people in this community care about our education system. I think more people came to this board meeting than voted in the last gubernatorial election. No matter what else you think or feel about this topic, those numbers are impressive. If we can harness that energy into positive action, imagine how amazing our schools could become...

{this moment}

I have some pretty amazing friends...
Thank you <3

where my heart lies

I came to town in 1992, fresh out of college. A first year teacher, I really had no idea what I was in for at my small, independent, k-8 district: I thought I was going to work, but what I was really doing was becoming part of a family.

I had an apartment in the neighboring town, along the route to the high school. The first time I saw cardboard signs lining the streets with all the kids participating in a band competition, I knew I'd found home.  Parents line these telephone poles every time kids make it to playoffs. Every. Time. I'd never seen such public support before. Sure, my class A high school celebrated within the halls, but it never stretched into people having no connection to the team. It didn't take me long to discover that my community believed in it's schools. 

I came here because of a job, but I stayed because it became my life. I have lived, worked, cried, and celebrated with my friends, colleagues, and neighbors. I got married here, became a parent, and bought a house in my small district because I knew my kids would not only get  a quality education but would also grow up surrounded by people who care for them. And now the school board is discussing closing my school down, and combining it with an equally small and unique district up the river.

This plan is not good for my kids, or my sunshines, or many of the students in either community. It will not save the kind of money that the budget needs to save to justify this level of upheaval on students. I can't support it emotionally, and I can't support it rationally. I don't deny that something needs to give, but it shouldn't be the students that give up the most.

{this moment}

fear and accomplishment

These days I seem to be surrounded by far flung travelers. My dear friends are living and teaching in South Korea this year, and my baby sis has been in Bejing teaching for the last two. Me? Well, I'm sorta proud of myself for flying 2/3 of the way across country. It's all relative...

I hate traveling. I really do. There are so many factors beyond my control... I dislike being a captive audience in airports and confined to small spaces in airplanes. I don't like sitting next to strangers and feeling like I have to lock myself in a tight little box so I don't disturb the person assigned to the seat next to me. There's never any food I want and what is there is insanely expensive. And then, there's the fear of crashing.

I forget how much I hate it, though, until I've finished the trip. I knew this one would be tough because I was leaving my men at home. Flying is expensive; it turns out that it is insanely so during February vacation, and there was just no way we could afford to have us all go. The internet and cell phones make it pretty easy to stay in constant conversation with the boys back home... but when we landed in Portland, and I knew they were just outside... well, I got kind of choked up. We'd made it there and back again, and now we were back to the way life should be. And we'd made it.

Those of you who fly all over the world may not think of it as an accomplishment, and truthfully, it's really not. But each time I do something like this without WB beside me, I prove to myself yet again that I can do it. As much as I hate traveling, I hate solitude more. It sounds cheesy, but I am a better person with my husband around. He completes me, and calms me, and has strengths that I don't. And it's not so scary to get stranded in an airport (cough* Dulles, you suck!* cough) when my whole family is with me. But de-icing at 9:30 PM, halfway between my home and my sister's, with only my daughter to keep me calm? Getting through that was a big deal for me.

I will probably never be able to visit my sister in her far flung locales (unless WB drugs me, serioulsy), and I will probably never teach anywhere but here. But we measure success by what we are each capable of doing, and I am sometimes capable of more than I give myself credit. And it is good to be reminded of that every now and again.

{these moments}

MCP 2012: February

Month 2: Love or Leap

Here's my oldest, skiing his heart out in his final middle school race. He came down with a terrible cold, so he didn't have the sort of finish he'd wanted... but we were all there cheering him on, because that's what you do when love someone. His darling girlfriend and her mom were there too. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

graduates

It is never easy to graduate out of sequence. As much as people want their diploma, coming back after all your friends have finished is tough. These two sucked it up, though, and did it. It wasn't the prettiest ride into the homestretch... and the ceremony itself was a bit hindered by my recent medical issues... but they got it done. And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how long it took you to get your diploma, but that you did it. And they did.

{this moment}

No words, I know... but I am pretty proud of this girl. Not sure if that translates through in this picture, but it's true.