I haven't reflected recently; I've thought a lot about what's going on, but I need to get better about writing too, because that is often where the magic happens for me.
I'm involved in a year long training that takes me out of my classroom once a month. I almost didn't participate because getting a sub is not fun on a good day, and the idea of a regular planned absence sent me into panic attacks. But then I realized this training would be useful to our classroom, as well as helping to cement our relationship in the mainstream building. Yesterday was my second planned absence this month because of this training... and it really didn't go so well. To clarify: my day was fine. Theirs... not so much.
I'll spare you the details, but needless to say the morning did not look like I thought it would when I left on Wednesday. We spent the morning talking about how this program needs to be able to function without me. Who knows what could happen... I could get sick, need surgery, have parents who need care... we're at the point where I need to let go of some control, and they need to keep going as if I were there, even when I'm not.
This is not going to be easy. For any of us. I have a tiny little bit of a Type A personality (ok, maybe a tad more than that) so letting go is a challenge. And the Sunnies aren't too keen on me letting go either: I heard a couple of times today "none of this would have happened if you were here yesterday". Which is true, sort of... but it's time to change that reality. And we still had other stuff happen today that DID happen while I was RIGHT THERE. I may be a calming influence, but my magic wand has never worked perfectly.
So what do I take away from this? We've come pretty far, but we're not there yet. And we probably never will be... but that doesn't mean we stop trying. Or trusting. Because when I stop trying and trusting... it's time to find a new job, and I'm not ready to do that yet.
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