lightbulbs

So many things have started to make sense. I didn't know they hadn't made sense before, but sometimes the light bulb just gets shocked on, and then, suddenly, you know. Nothing has changed, but everything is different.

When I'm in the middle of something, something real and true, I never think about it being temporary. I guess if I thought about it, it would no longer be real, but would become a thing to hold onto somehow, and the magic would end. But looking back is sometimes so painful that it brings tears to my eyes because I miss it so. I've been lucky enough to have a few of these somethings over my relatively short life; usually the path-altering event is a sudden one-- something I, anyway, didn't see coming at the time, but can clearly see now. Something which, once occurred, throws everything under water and you hope to bob back to the surface, breathing, able to find shore somewhere. The scars do heal, with time, and the lessons to be learned emerge from the carnage, but still, some days you think back at how perfect that time was...

I've also missed some things along the way, and for that, I sincerely apologize. Not for not doing anything, because you can't react to something you don't know exists, but for not listening to that quiet voice that said something isn't quite right, and for not trusting it enough to investigate. I hope you know that I'm better at listening to that voice now; I'm sure it helps that I'm regularly getting full nights of sleep. But I know I still miss things; if you need my help and I'm not listening, knock me upside the head.

Sixteen years ago I agreed to bind my life to his, forever. I didn't really understand what that meant-- I understood the words, and the concept, but how can you understand something you've never done? Somehow or another, we've figured out how to navigate this crazy road, construction, right turns and everything else. Three years ago, bestfriend said "I do" for the second time. Which of us was braver? Crazier? Neither and both, I would answer, depending on the day. This summer, one of the next generation is saying I choose you, to be with me, forever. They are kids... like we were... but different, too, and as ready as they can be. I hope my little role in her childhood has helped prepare her, and if she needs help along her journey, I hope she will feel comfortable enough to ask, because we never stop needing the influence of those who have trod along ahead of us.

I started watching Saving Grace again, from the pilot, this summer. Grace has some demons... and some angels, too. I am lucky enough to not need a Last Chance Angel, nor to have met Satan himself. But I have loved my friends and family completely and without bias, and hope that that small part has made their journey easier. Ham tells Grace he will wait for her, and Rhetta trusts her truth without details to prove it. That I can do. I will continue to do. I may not have known at the time, but I know now, and I am here to help.