Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I hope tomorrow you find better things

Today was not my best day ever. I didn't do anything wrong, really. Just living my life the only way I know how... and a bunch of things happened around me leaving me feeling defeated. I don't like that feeling.

It started with a nightmare. Both my boys were murdered. The only good news of the nightmare was that I awoke knowing it was only a dream, but it left me with a sick feeling all day. School was what it sometimes is-- an uphill battle to help everyone get what they need. But the draining part of my day came about because I am incapable of not speaking up when I see inequity. Part of me knows I should just leave it alone and move on: the system is what it is and one voice does not make a difference. But I don't believe that, and therefore can't pretend I do. I really do believe it takes a village to raise a child, and I am part of that village. Even if it's not my child being treated unfairly, as a citizen it's my moral responsibility to speak up. And so I tilt at the windmills... and wonder if living, working, and parenting in the same district is really the best approach. That's a lot of hats to juggle, and a lot of lines that get blurred; it seems I'm finding the blurry spaces with shocking frequency this year.

For reasons I do not understand, I then made the choice to read a book suggested to me by Little Big Sis. Fist Stick Knife Gun, by Geoffrey Canada, tells the story of inner city violence and children. He survived the Bronx, got out, and re-entered as an adult trying to make things better. His assessment in 1995 (when the book was published) that if society didn't act now-- if we didn't act-- we might lose all hope. I'd like to find out how he feels now, but my heart just couldn't take the google search tonight.

Now I am up way past my bedtime, knowing my mind is racing too fast to even contemplate sleep. I am hoping the Ben and Jerry's will help. It's awfully late to go for a walk, but that's really what I want to do. Either that or dance my way through this feeling... but that's not realistic either. Tomorrow is another day... and I could really use a day filled with better things.


hoyden said...

Listen to the This American Life link I sent y'all. It's what Candada is up to now. He's taken his program huge and is making a difference for an entire generation of Harlem kids. It seems to be working, too. While his story can be extremely depressing, the hope is there too. He did survive, he is thinking about it, he is working to make a difference.

You are not alone.

Beth said...

Oh Rach, I hope you get a nature fix or a chance to dance today. I know what you mean about boundaries and living, working and parenting in the same area--it's a minefield. No good advice on how I navigated it but definitely an acknowledgment that it is a difficult juggling act. Be careful what you read too--you are working in an area that already gives you grist for nightmares--find an author that you can depend on for good dreams when you are going through a rough patch.

Wendy said...

You sound a little burned out. I hope you were able to get that energy release you needed.